WELCOME TO THE JAMIE SHOW!

Happy Belated birthday to SUPERSTEVE!!

Troy was an excellent film (for what it was) I almost melted a few times.

I have a friend selling a futon (fold out bed/couch thingy) and computer desk anyway interested email me or leave comment.

I discovered that universities study my favorite show and I don't feel so embarrassed anymore.

International Journal of Buffy Studies

I think people who have drug problems need to tell their families before going to detox.

I also believe that if you reach out for my help, and I do apply myself to helping you and then you disappear and pretend nothing is wrong, I shouldn't let it hurt me so much.

For being a self-absorbed bitch, I do worry a lot about my friends, I shed a lot of tears over my friends, and I try my hardest to be there for them.

I have training for Louisburg at 9 am tomorrow morning, who wants to take bets on how functioning I will be.

I am off to have coffee with Steph, then go "look" at things in the mall, how sad is that.....

I had a crazy day yesterday, I woke up at 10:30 am, still drunk to see the lovely gentleman who had slept soundly next to me clearing up the empty beer bottles from the night before. He was pacing anxiously because his ex boyfriend had made plans to hang out with him that night. (Yes he is gay, i said slept not screwed his brains out).

I mumbled some kind of congratulatory remark and then rolled over and went back to sleep, a light sleep interrupted many times by the nervous, cleaning ongoing, around me.

I woke up around 1 pm, called my friend Kelly, we all decided as a group to go out for some breakfast/lunch. We chose a local bar and grill, had some alright food, with rather poor service.

Then Kelly and I chilled out at her place watched "Club Dredd", then I went over to my friend Tracy's and hung out. I ended up at Cory's hanging out within and ranting away like a mad fool, while he got ready to go out. I also had some rather interesting and engaging conversations on messenger about sex, politics relationships and violence.

Tony, Cory, Cheyenne and I headed for Hermans at 12:30 and I made the mistake of calling Tony shallow in half-joking way and argued with him the entire way to the bar about how he was/wasn't shallow. *Mental note: Don't tease Tony he takes it to seriously*

I had a very enjoyable time at Hermans, I ran into Carol we danced a bit, I had a brief conversation with Bill, and I even had the gaul sober to approach the "guy" alone sober, and have a lovely chat.

The best part of the night was the wonderful conversation I had with the interesting guy from work.

After Hermans we went to the Casino, (I drug carol along as well), and I had some Chicken and broccoli Alfredo. It was divine.

I was home and in bed by 6 am, and had a extremely strange dream, which I almost shared here... But it's a little too explicit.

I am drunk and vulnerable right now. I hate myself for it. I cheated, I smoked 2 cigarettes tonight. I am a weak and terrible person, I watched to friends who are good people be vicsious to one another and i wanted to hurt them. Someone called me a fat bitch tonight, and it hurt..... Why would i let some drunk asshole cut me so close, where was my wall...

I am very happy and excited about tonight. I am going out soon to meet up with some friends that I used to work with, we are celebrating, I cannot wait.

It should be a night filled with much laughter, dancing, a few tears, maybe some anger or hostility (mainly towards the company I used to be employed by), but a joyous occasion nonetheless.

I have good reason to believe I may be rather intoxicated, well actually I will be really intoxicated tonight. I am filled with anticipation and have left little room for disappointment. Even if I end up spending the evening in a room with the 3 people I know for sure will be at this party I know I will have a delightful time.

Change is here, and it's not as horrid as I had imagined.

Last night I had no plans, I was just going to meet up with Tanya and Carol and see where the night brought u, what an adventure we ended up on.

I met them at ICT shortly after 8 o'clock, they jumped in my car and we headed downtown to Tim Hortons, for some warm beverages.

While we were there my friend Kevin called, he was also in town and was wondering what I was doing, I explained to him how we were in search of some entertainment. I called my friend Kelly to see what was on her agenda before nabbing Kevin from a tiny shit hole bar in Sydney. Kelly was just exiting work, with my friend Jason, whose birthday it happened to be, we all wished him a happy birthday and thought maybe we would stop by his apartment to wish him well in person.

Kevin, Carol, Tanya and I arrived at Jason’s around 9:30 pm, we chilled out there and had a glass of wine till about 10:30 ish. I had a very small glass of red wine because I was driving, but I still managed to spill it on my shirt, so Jason lent me another, which matched perfectly with a skirt I had in my car, so I changed.

We then headed off to the Rum Jungle (aka "The Slut Hut") which was completely empty, except for a couple playing pool at the far end of the bar. My friends were disillusioned because they had expected a crowd, loud, pounding, dance music, and the atmosphere was anything but.

Luckily I used to work in a bar, and knew how to liven things up pretty quickly, the hot bartender walked over near us from the DJ booth and said that things would pick up, it was only 10:30 after all. I then walked over to the bar and asked the bartenders to entice my friends. Did they have any drinks specials? Could they put on happier music?

I then bought a drink for our birthday boy, ordered something non-alcoholic for myself (the hot bartender told me I was "no-fun" till I explained I was driving then he gave me all my drinks free for the night). We danced, played pool, wandered around, danced some more, and enjoyed ourselves immensely.

Around 1 am we headed towards the Capri, the bouncer at the door asked me for my ID which I couldn't find, then Carol realized she had left hers at home (because we had not planned on going to a bar). We then headed to Hermans, now I haven't been hit for ID at Hermans in ages, but walked up to the door different bouncer than usual, and I was hit.

We then headed for food and ended up at the Italian Village, ordering pizza and having a rather crude conversation, the poor older couple at the next table almost choked on their food numerous times.

We then took Jason home, met up with Kenzo and Jude, we partook of some "chicken" and just chilled for a bit, enjoying the end to a rather interesting evening.

The best adventures are always spontaneous, I had a terrific time, it just goes to show, you don’t have to be cranked to have fun.....

Thank God for Messenger! I have the most bizarre conversations though also very educational ones at 4 am, with some of the strangest characters on the planet.

My contact list is full, I removed some people I used to chat with often, but have not maintained the communication, I didn't block them so they can still message me. This allows me room to add more contacts and have even more interesting conversations.

I think it's an excellent way to keep in touch, and for me being such a moron it's a great way to loosen up and express my real thought's (LOL being the quiet and timid creature I am).

Though the major downside is, I am also very sarcastic, and tone cannot be conveyed, which can lead to hurt feelings or angry friends/co-workers. I am also nervous of how honest some people really are online. The other strange thing being how perverse some people will be, even if you know them once they are hidden behind their computer screens. I have had loads of midnight offers, of a much more detailed variety, that can be rather intimidating sometimes, and awkward thereafter.

Messenger has given me a superior way of communicating with many of my family and friends who are scattered around the country. I can talk to as many people as I wish at the same time, or throw them all together to chat, it's phenomenal.

Did I mention I am an addict, blogs and messenger... Addicted.

Sunday night, Carol, Tanya, and I went on an interesting adventure to Sydney Mines, to aid my friend Kenzo at his new job, as a pizza delivery guy. Did I mention that I cannot read a map or give directions to save my life? Its true!

I haven't laughed that much in a long, long time, I had been so stressed from all the crap going on in my life, I hated my job, I was concerned about so much shit. I just laid back, content in the ride, enjoying my friends company and the complete lack of responsibility.

It was one of the best nights out anyone could ever ask for.

Saturday night, I went into Herman's with some friends, expecting to meet up with some other people, who didn't show due to fights with boyfriends, bad reactions to chemicals, or just plain lack of funds.

I was fairly intoxicated by the time I arrived at the doors, I proceeded to ingest 2 more beers, for added courage, before heading towards the table the "guy" was seated at. I knew one of the group having worked with him, and talked to him a lot at work, I was going to slide up to the table begin conversation with him, and then use that as a segue into talking to the guy. As I approached the group though, the guy from work I knew was heading towards me, I explained the situation and he accompanied me back to the table where conveniently enough there was an extra chair next to the "guy". I sat down and it took me a good 15 minutes to talk to the "guy", whom I chat with regularly on messenger, but intimidates me immensely in person.

I had a wonderful conversation with all 4 of the guys seated at the table, three of whom I found attractive, I laughed, drank a few more beers and had a superbly enjoyable time.

I noticed the "guy" seemed distant and withdrawn, with his arms crossed most of the time, this could be partially due to the fact I conversed mainly with the guy I knew from work.

Well the next afternoon I was chatting with the "guy" on messenger, I was at my friend's house, and I wanted to ask him if he was interested because I had gotten a pretty clear indication the previous evening that he was not. I asked her to write what I wanted to say, and if his response was negative to close the box, and tell me she had forgotten what he had written. She graciously complied and wrote the crazy nervous rant, then read me his reply, which explain he wished to be honest and was not interested, but he did so in a kind manner.

Then I sat down and explained to him that I still wished to chat with him, this guy is too enjoyable to pass up communicating with, and then he said one of the sweetest things. "I apologize if I have hurt you in any way".

I have an immense fear of rejection (though considering it is commonplace for me lol, I shouldn't) but for him to be gentle, considering I was rather smitten….. Well it was a grand relief.

I am doomed to be attracted to guys who I know I cannot be with, it's tragic, but it could be worse, I could be in a relationship with some love sick fool.

I resigned from my job today, didn't have any choice, resign or get fired, my doctors note was unacceptable... someone jokingly offered pay me a hundred dollars to throw a fit, if he had the cash to lay on table I would've. My supervisor asked me politely not to make him call security... LOL... He really is one hell of a guy.

I think I am one of the few people how has actually walked out of that building happy, I joked while waiting for the elevator with the GM and my supervisor.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, no more calls, freedom. I am also glad I won't be there for the last few shifts of our contract, I really hated it.

I am exhausted, off to bed now, have to settle things up tomorrow, go file for pogey.

I start at the Fortress of Louisburg on June 16th, I am estactic.

I discovered something lately, that I am still having a hard time believing, I still make girls jealous….. I thought I was excused from, due mainly to my size, the annoyance of dirty looks from little blonds from across a room, while I was talking to the good looking young man or two. This has occurred a lot lately, and I am not talking about conversing with another girl's boyfriend, these guys are all single, rather attractive and good friends of mine.

The worst part is, I rather enjoy pissing of the skanky little girls who treat my naive male friends like garbage, or little lap dogs, "Come, sit, Light my cigarette, sit next to me, fetch me a drink". The nice guys bitch about not finding a woman, yet they are attracted to these hideous creatures that disguise themselves as pretty young girls. These "things" are controlling, jealous, brainless, with small waists, and smaller brains, who put me to shame when it comes to being self-centred and selfish, yet my nice guys, fall down and lick their toes. I think it kills a bit of them every time, I think that is why so many "nice girls" have self-esteem issues, and so many "nice guys" end up like lost empty ghost vessels drifting off to sea. Alone and helpless due to the fact, they were brought up to believe that they didn't deserve any better, or have to have the "prettiest" chick at the party.

Never settle for less than you truly desire! Now I am not saying you will have to wait for someone who is faultless, I personally find some faults will make a guy more enjoyable. Some people bitch about being with a controlling partner, yet it's what they want, not to make any choices for themselves, not to be responsible.

I like to hold out hope that some day I will meet a guy who is not shallow and narrow minded and will appreciate every little crazy thing about me, until such day I won’t settle, just for the sake of having a boyfriend. I'd rather be single and free to enjoy myself, then be tied down to someone who I am with solely so I am not "alone". I believe that is a much more solitude existence, than not having a “partner”.

Well I kept my resolutions last night, no smoking cigarettes, no fowl moods, though there was a huge damper on my cheerfulness for a full hour, tonight.

I managed to overcome the rain on my parade so to speak, and turned it into a rather enjoyable evening. Mainly because I was not at work, not smoking, and being in the presence of some terrific company was also very enjoyable.

I made over a grand on my pay I received just under 800$ (net) how retarded is that, gas is a dollar per litre now, and the price of cigarettes no longer has relevance to me...

I am listening to Hatebreed - I will be Heard.... I wish I was driving down the road really quickly in my car, racing towards a boisterous party, filled with delicious young men, and good friends.

I want to make a conscious effort now to utilize all my functional brain power to its maximum ability, the call centre job slowly turns intelligent people into drooling morons. I think it's because we have to lower ourselves to the level of the people we communicate with on a regular basis.

I am going for a drive with my friend Kenzo, some chicken is in order.....

That's right it's day 10 and regardless of anything... It's going to be a wonderful day.

I have my interview tomorrow, then a little bit of work (6-10),then a going away party for Shawn... should be good times.

Saturday night I want to go see Troy, then Hermans... I hope to see the guy, better yet I hope to find the courage, (sober) to talk to him....

My brother and I just had a blog war, not something I really wanted... SuperSteve is supposed to be the one with the family dramas on his blog not me... lol just kidding

Seriously though, miscommunications that lead to full blown family fighting over the internet... not my cup of tea....

Again

I am a big, self absorbed, selfish bitch...

My brother treats me too well, and takes good care of his older sister, who is a terrible person, and doesn't deserve any of his kindness.

I am sick, I have had the worst pains in my stomach for the last 2-3 days and it sucks.....

Today is day 8, sans smoking, not even a puff so happy!

Welcome to sibling rivalry blog style....

Read this it's about me!

I don't say it quite enough I am a self absorbed, selfish bitch......

I will admit this fully completely constantly...

I owe my brother money... a fair amount of money... around 600$... due to car payments, smoking, credit card bills, price of gas, lending out money and not getting it back ( I am owed probably around a grand between all the money people owe me) and buying other things like contacts, prescriptions...

Just plain stupid excuses! I haven't paid him back, he blackmails me with this constantly getting me to do things for him that he hates doing, it's not a big deal, I usually don't mind.

I am also a very stubborn, when someone bosses me around, I only dig my heels in more and refuse to do it, being told at the last minute to drive someone home, not asked politely but told, really pisses me off, like A LOT.

The standing against a wall with your arms crossed pouting, while I wave at you, and you just scowl, doesn't impress me either. Then when I walk over to you and explain why I am waiting for someone who is talking to her supervisor and you yell at me for not telling you when you CLEARLY walked away from me, and seen me standing directly across the floor talking to a friend (who happened to be male like it makes a difference). Then like a two year old child when I told you what I had told you earlier, that I was low on gas and driving a girl home, you curse at me (quite loudly) slam open the door call me some other horrid words... and storm off...

Then go to your blog, bitch about me.... and not expect some kind of response......

I will be over this by tomorrow, like all our childish fights.... For the record I am pissed too!

No one can hurt you quite like your family.... Though know where your Achilles Hell lies.

I have decided to start including a piece at the end of each blog, regardless of its particular ramble or rant, about Cape Breton. It could be something I love, something I hate, something I found weird or intriguing, something of amusement. Or perhaps just a random fact/myth, I have heard along the way.

I have now lived here for one year, 4 months, not that my friends is quite a spell, considering I have said numerous times that I am going to move again. This time I have decided to stick around till October for Shallen and Chad's wedding, now hopefully the job interview on Friday goes well, and I will be employed till then somewhere. Mainly I want to stick around for the summer, the summers here are wild and adventurous times, filled with Laughs, visits to many sandy beaches, and a few beers.


Today Cape Breton bit:

The highway between Glace Bay and Sydney the speed limit is 80 km/h people drive 95 plus... The highway surrounding Sydney the speed is 100 km/h people drive 80 or less..Thisis irritates the fuck out of me...

Ok for those of you who haven't noticed in previous posts... I am a tree hugging hippy, but I am complicated, since I eat meat, wear leather, have problems with abortion being used as a form of birth control, I don't agree with gun control... and the list goes on.....

I do however very much so, DISAGREE with war, in all for and for all reasons, I think it's stupid and pointless and just take the two stupid assholes who want to start the fucken war out and kick there teeth out, rip out their fingernails, and light them on fire!

It would make the rest of the world a lot happier, healthier, and a lot less paranoid.

Now anyone who reads this regularly knows how I like to go off on tangents, and I have been repressing this one for some time...

WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THINKING WHEN THE LET GEORGE W. BUSH LEAD THEIR COUNTRY?

WHERE THE FUCK, ARE THESE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION? Besides the ones you tried to sneak in the country.

Weapons of Mass Destruction

SADDAM HUSSEIN BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THE PEOPLE IN HIS COUNTRY, THEN THE AMERICANS BITCH ABOUT IT, TAKE OVER THE COUNTRY AND DO THE SAME FUCKING THING! BLOODY IDIOTS!

Abu-Ghraib

Okay now that's hypocritical, the Americans have turned into lying cock sucking bastards.... They are sneaky, dirty, conniving. Essentially they have become their "so-called enemies" how can we trust them, and anything they ever tell us again. At least if they had admitted to being assholes, who had fucked up and couldn't find the weapons; well fine, I think that's what the UN Weapons Inspector guy told you in the first place!

The thing that really irritates me, they got caught trying to sneak in weapons, they denied it and covered it up. No wonder so many people believe in conspiracy theories, Americans very well could be as evil as everyone has always made them out to be. They just kill and hide anyone who argues or better yet, give them money and a piece of paper that say "I have not been abused".

Abused Prisoners being BRIBED

If any other country did that to the United States of America, they would go completely ape-shit, and we would hear about it for the next ten million years. I am not trying to minimize the damage and viciousness of Saddam Hussein, I believe he is an evil dictator yes. Though following his actions only makes you as horrific as him, and covering them up doesn't make it any less despicable.

Lead by example, you fucken hypocritical bastards!

Job Interview

2 pm

Friday

Fortress of Louisburg

Where are my resignation papers?

I quit smoking again!

I made it to day six, I am rather proud of myself, now day 60 will be the real achievement, I have had some interesting support along the way. I am a stubborn bitch, the more someone tells me I cannot do something, the more I strive to prove them wrong. So thanks to SuperSteve for telling me I am a spineless loser, and I appreciate you Cory for telling me I could never quit and being so persistent (he even smelled my fingers and breath a few times this weekend.)

I am determined this time, I think I may even stop drinking as often, not that I do it every weekend, but with the price of gas being so fucking ridiculous I think perhaps I should save my money for that.

I am going through a Mother Hen phase.

Also can someone explain to me battered womans syndrome cause I really am having difficulty FUCKING UNDERSTANDING IT!

Some people are stupid and don’t know what’s goods for them, I do.. I tell them, they ignore me their lives are miserable, they are dumb!

I enjoy Hermans, I enjoy the atmosphere, the vastness of the bar, the wandering around alone with my nose in the air watching people leap out of my way

My friends and I are going to Hermans tonight and we are going to have fun, even if I have to beat them until they do. :D

I feel guilty about something that I shouldn’t, but I do not regret it.

The guy is making me feel like a girl, I hate it, now Erica is mocking me relentlessly about it.

My phone has not stopped ringing… Everyone trying to make plans, for tonight, there is too many things to be done and too much waiting around for it to happen.

I laid on my deck this afternoon in a bikini and got a bit of a tan, hopefully I did not burn, it should look nice considering I am going to wear out my white skirt tonight. I just hope I don’t spill anything on myself.

I also hand washed my baby, she looks smoking, the sun gleaming off her, and I was talking to one of my dearest friends while doing it, and we made plans to get together this summer.

I also talked to my cousin Ness (Vanessa but I have called her Ness since we were kids) and we also made plans to get together for a big visit this summer, I miss her cause she is such an incredible young woman.

I have some pretty amazing people in my life, everyone that I associate with is uniquely entertaining and the craziest part is I see a bit of myself in each of them. I love being in my twenties with my friends, discovering who we really are, outgrowing our stupid, childish insecurities; getting comfortable in our skin and with each other.

This summer is going to be a phenomenal time, but it will be filled with great sadness too, as we all begin to parts ways again, I back on the road again, them off into their own relationships, and life journeys.

I guess Trooper was right with the whole, “We’re here for a good time not a long time. The sun can’t shine everyday.”

Would you ask the crazy girl for advice?

I realized something a long time ago, people trust my opinion, maybe that’s because I am not afraid to give it, but they do. A vast majority of the people I interact with, turn to me for advice, or seek my counselling when they are having a bad day, or are at a cross road. Now not all of my friends and acquaintances do this, the weird thing is when strangers do, or if they share something deeply personal with me.

I sometimes get nostalgic writing this blog, and I think about telling a story about something that happened in the past, I have all these things that demand to be said… yet I hold them back…. I really do wonder if I am crazy sometimes....

“She sits alone in the room so quiet and dim, wondering what possessed her as she howled and screamed; the tears feel cool against her cheek, the rage she was filled with had caused them to burn and sting. Then as quickly as it had surrounded her, it fades quickly into a faint memory, replaced only by a hallow moment of grief.”

I am exhausted…… I just want to write…. I am anxious, this guy, he blows my mind; he is very intelligent, intriguing and did I mention attractive…

I may have a job interview this upcoming which, which makes me nervous.


Monday was my Father’s birthday, he is in Alberta, working at his new job with my other brother (the Ass), and I worry. Happy Birthday Daddy! I miss you!

I have been working too much overtime lately, I worked more hours last week (55) than I did the previous 2 weeks combines (48), I have already worked 49 hours this week, and I am scheduled tomorrow. My brain has turned to mush......

I am listening to the installation music for an older version of our product with a lady with a thick middle American accent, she sounds like the mother from Bobby's World (Howie Mandel created it) which is actually kind of comical.

I wanted to include a link to a new website that I enjoy, that has wonderful lyrics that suit my feelings towards my job...

Liam's Song

Okay enough bitching about work....

I am having one of those days where I really wish my parent's first born child had been male instead of female (in case you are slow on the uptake, I am the oldest in my family), I hate being a girl! Now you may be sitting there asking yourself "Why?".... cause at least if I was a guy, I wouldn't have to worry about getting knocked up or bleeding once a month....

I know it's gross and "We aren't suppose to speak of it" its like some weird cult, everyone has been through the initiation and we don't talk about how much it royally sucks ass. It's funny how they build up this whole "becoming a woman" thingy so much, if I knew then, what I know now, I would have kicked the school nurse in the head when she told us what a "magical" thing it was....

IT'S GROSS.... Painful.... and really ANNOYING. Enough said!

It's the only time, I actually want chocolate, that I wish every male on the planet were dead, though I still want to rape each and every guy who is even remotely good-looking (and not related to me in any way, shape or form). It's something that I used to be completely ashamed of, like humiliated if anyone knew... now I grab a tampon out of my desk drawer and walk to the bathroom, not really caring who notices, cause really every chick has been through it, that is female....

Also at this time of the month I develop an intense hatred for all gay males, especially pretty ones.... keep reading I'll explain....

They still get to be pretty, date hot guys, wear tight pants, white skirts, and not have to worry about turning into a raving psychopath and wondering why you are sitting on the bathroom floor crying about spilling the shampoo.

I HATE BEING A GIRL!

I was re-reading some of my archives tonight, I have 175 posts... It's weird looking at my writing change.... mature even... I actually write posts now...

I wanted to make a quick note that one of my favorite Blogs on the internet was unavailable for a while there and I missed it immensely.... Now it's back, and it has changed... or maybe it hasn't... It seems to be on a much more personal level... and yet as always, I identify with it much more than I am willing to admit....

Steve also wrote a post about friends and how things change and will never be the same again... I understand that on so many levels having met some of the most amazing people on the planet.... Then turning around a years, six months or 4 years later and moving away from them....

A good friend of mine is planning on moving away soon, I have already begun the mourning process, I am in denial.... cause as crazy as she is, she brings chaos into this chaotic girls life.... She and I share a lot of the same qualities, except she is a lot more "in your face" than me.... She definitely shoots from the hip....

I was talking-to the hot guy tonight after work on messenger.... He is quite brilliant, and not looking for a relationship, which was a huge relief because I didn't want to give him the wrong impression... I can't get involved in anything serious since I am not even sure where I will be tomorrow....

Have you ever noticed someone somewhere and thought that person looks like a really interesting person.... plus they are really attractive... though you notice the other people around them seem like a pretty tight knit group and you have no real logical reason to approach them..... though you always wanted to.....

Last night a group of my friends and I all met up at Herman's during the course of the evening I ran into one of my more interesting and controversial friends from work. He is usually in Hermans on a Saturday night, and one of the guys I normally see him with is H-O-T, with smoking eyes, nice long dark hair, and he seems to have all his teeth...

So I stopped the friend from work and the conversation went something like this...

Me: Hey is your hot friend single?
Him: What hot friend?
Me: The one with the long dark hair and beautiful eyes.
Him: Yea
Me: He's Hot
Him: Yea he is.
Me: Is he shallow like you?
Him: No, he hates all women equally
Me: He's gay?
Him: No, just he has been rejected by a lot of women or his exes treated him poorly.
Me: Well that's shitty.
Him: Want to meet him?
Me: He hates women?
Him: Yea, but want me to introduce you?
Me: NO!
Him: Why not?

At this point another friend I came with, who is the size of my pinkie finger, dressed in a cute little strapless dress, comes over, and says hey, I tell her the story and she says, let's go meet him, I am terrified.... like super terrified. I have an IMMENSE fear of rejection, and I am filled with anticipation and dread as we walk across the bar, me gulping my beer back, my stomach in knots... every little self-esteem issue was intensified in that moment.

We walk up to the table, my co-worker calls him over and introduces us, and I say hello and then look at the floor, and he goes back sits down and continues his conversation with the other guy at the table... I proceeded to babble like a mad fool to my friends, trying not to be a complete and utter idiot. My friend from work kept telling me I could be Paris Hilton or the Olsen twins and it wouldn't matter cause this guy hates women, Period!

I see my friend Georgina coming, and I knew if she herd the conversation she would say something, and it wouldn't be pretty.... so I mustered up every little bit of balls I could ever posses, because really when would an opportunity like this ever arise again.... I live my life "SANS Regret"!

I figured if this guy has such a terrible past with women, and has been rejected so many times, maybe he needs to know that he really is a very good looking guy. So I went for it....

I sat down next to him and I said (mind you I was loaded, and don't remember exactly what I said but it was something along these lines:

" I live my life Sans regret, without regrets, and I would really regret not talking to you, even for a moment, to just let you know that I find you very attractive, you have amazing eyes, and if you have anywhere near as much personality as your friend that I know..... I would believe you to be a very interesting person."

The I practically leaped out of the chair before he had a chance to laugh in my face, though I think he may have said thank you.

Then Georgina heard the story while I had been talking and she proceeded to sit down next to him, come back with her famous "he's not interested, but he doesn’t want to date anyone right now look".... which I despise, but I love how she tells me these things in such a great way, and se usually adds your too good for that guy anyway....lol

The polite let-down, always better than a "Get the fuck out of my face".

Then today I was chatting with my co-worker on messenger, and he told me that the hot guy asked him to give me his email address so we could chat on messenger, because he is shy.... That's fantastic cause I am an idiot..

He just came online again... I am flustered....

My weekend started out at my friend Erica's at a fantasia party.... then on to my brothers house for a beer, shower, and quick clothing change, and over to Cory's for another beer, then a brief cab ride down to Luker's for some festivities. I was feeling quite apprehensive, walking in alone with a 15 pack of beer, that I did not have time, nor tolerance, to drink all of, thankfully some other people quickly volunteered to help. Then Tanya, Georgina, Chris, Kiddo, Kevin and I headed down to the Guildwood for some more drink and dancing. I had a terrific time, Tanya, Kevin and I headed back to Luker's afterwards, after a rather interesting trip through the drive-thru at Tim Horton's.

Saturday began rather early for me, I was awake by noon, on the road by 1 pm, and in the mall by 2 pm. I inadvertently discovered my wonderful friend Ryan sent me a 100$ gift card from Wal-Mart instead of the 10$ I was expecting, and I bought a pair of beautiful dress shoes. I then went to a sweet young man's birthday party, and had a rather enjoyable time, and it further encouraged me NOT to have children for a while.

Then I went into work for some overtime, 41/2 hours worth to be exact, and all my friends think I am nuts. I actually worked more hours last week then I did the entire two weeks previous combined!

Then last night was Shawn and Meagan's shower, I went to my brothers after work threw my curlers in ( I don't know why cause the wind wrecked them in 2.5 seconds) and put my new shoes on, a nice skirt and my fave black shirt. Chris came and picked up me and my brother and we headed over to his and Georgina's place for another beer, and trying to get her to hurry up. Then cab down to Bayplex for a really enjoyable time, and more drinks laughs, dancing and catching up with some people I haven't seen in a while.

Then five of us piled into a cab and headed into Hermans for more drinks, dancing and I will tell the rest of that story in the next post.....

I am going to try and write a positive post, even though things in my life have been getting more negative by the moment, work has been hectic, phone got disconnected, loosing job (which sucks, the job I mean).

I am having a Fantasia Party on Friday night at my friend Erica's, she was nice enough to let a bunch of crazy horned up girl come buy sex stuff at her house, she's nuts. I can't wait, they are always fun times, and you always have a few laughs, and we are having a few drinks as well.

After that we are heading over to some other friends house for a party, (Luker and Anne) I can't wait I think it will be a lot of fun, and I get to catch of with some other friends who I haven't seen in a while. Then we are heading over to the Guildwood for a few more cheap drinks, some dancing, and maybe even meet a few nice gentlemen (alright I realize it's not going to happen but I am writing a positive post DAMMIT!)

On Saturday, I wil be attending a very special person's second birthday, one of the cutest sweetest little kids in the world (and considering who made him, he's quite fortunate on the cuteness part, just kidding). I think it will be an awkward, but interesting time, considering this little boys mother is the one whom I had the "incident" with last year, and her new "man" (the guy I was dating) is also supposed to be there. It was over a year ago though, and the two of them are quite well suited, but I think it will be interesting to see them together, she is 5 foot nothing, and he is 6 foot something....

Then that evening will be the highlight of the weekend I am certain, it is ~SHAWN & MEAGAN'S~ Jack and Jill shower, my first guy/girl shower, and a certain drunk fest. I think it will be a work party, but a lot of my favorite people in Cape Breton (if not world) will be in attendance. I have a funny feeling it may be the last time I see this group of people all together again......

Afterwards we are heading to Hermans, which I haven't been there in a while so I am looking forward to that.

Did I mention I hooked up to of the nicest, sweetest, cutest people that I have ever met, and I think they will get along famously. I have no talents, I can't sing, play an instrument, no artistic ability whatsoever, I can't even write, BUT I can hook people up like nobodies tomorrow.... well except myself..... I have gotten the most wonderful couples together, it's my talent.... It took me ages to find it, but now I know... I'm a cupid!

So the cute guy from work.... Yea over that like yesterdays news. We were talking and his criteria for dating woman was :

1. Non-smoker (I still smoke)
2. Non-drinker (not today... but tomorrow is Friday)
3. No drugs (no comment)
4. Catholic ( I disagree with catholism)
5. No Kids (Check)
6. Long Dark hair (Check)
7. Have a university degree. (Not yet)
8. At Least 5 foot 6 (Check)
9. No more than 120 lbs (*cough COUGH* choke gag choke)

Now somehow that list is understandable, predictable and reasonable.... He doesn't smoke, so no smoking, he doesn't drink or do drugs, makes sense..... No kids... well..... Ok I can accept that... Dark hair... hrmm now that's different... University... wants educated woman, that's cool,catholic thing kind of surprised me, because he isn't very religious, but ok then.... and tall woman, another odd thing...

no more than 120 pounds.............. Like a cold, hard, slap across the face, as I read those words...... Written to me, him knowing that I am sure as hell not that small!

The honest truth, he confirmed every fear I had about guys and what they really think about women. The guys who tell me they want an intelligent women, and then turn around and date the ditziest girls. The guys who tell me, Jamie you are so pretty or the famous "you aren't fat" line.....

Well I weigh more than 120 pounds......

It was a major blow to my self-esteem, I ended up, quite later on in the evening, (well morning) crying in the bathroom to my friend Erica, "I'm pretty right?" A very low moment for this girl, one that I didn't really want to put here, cause it shows how sometimes I ham not the tough cold-hearted bitch that I like to think people think I am.

I then went out and told another good friend the story, but in a different way, I explained it to him like "you are a pretty boy and I expect you to be shallow and only date pretty little bimbos" (no offence to any of his past "girls"). He then turns to me tells me I am pretty and kissed me softly on the cheek... I know it's retarded but I felt much better between that, and Erica saying that I was way better than this guy ( typical "girl" reaction).

I did end up telling the guy I had a crush on him until he went and said such a stupid thing..... He really is a pretty cool guy, just rather close minded and shallow.

I have changed my mind again about the Atkins thing, I think I will stay fat a little longer, cause it teaches me valuable lessons, so when I do get my kick ass body back I really will appreciate it, with every scar and freckle.

I am going to give the Atkins diet a shot, which means no drinking, pizza, chips or pop..... I am hoping it works, though it will probably involve miagrain headaches, and a lot of sadness on my part. It's funny cause a lot of people my age believe that they cannot have fun unless they are drinking... I don't buy into that mentality, but at the same time, I do go out drinking a lot. I think the time has come for me to loose the weight, get back into shape quit bitching and be happy with who I am, not who I used to be. Though being fat is an amazing experience, because people actually appreciate me for who I am, not what I look like, and it's an extra barrier for people to break through. I am rambling, a truly original drunk blog how I have missed them.

On a side note, I find it absolutely hilarious how people seek my advice on relationships, when I have always been terrible in relationships, and I do give damn good advice I just suck at following it.

I also have an interesting post upcoming, about a guy who I was interested in, his opinions on women he would date, I look forward to the feedback on that particular post.

I have to walk a drunk girl home. Night!

I will be attending "Dinner Theatre" on this wonderful, fine, evening ( yes part of this was said in a very snotty tone). I am going to dig out the dog collar, all the piercings will be adorning my body in full force and maybe even some strange color in my hair. I will have on the dark, make-up and I will probably speak slowly and concisely to everyone in attendance.

Now if I get this other job, I have been hoping for, I will have to remove all piercings, jewelry of all descriptions, and cannot color my hair and bizarre colors. This saddens me, but being weird is starting to be the popular thing, so maybe it's time for a change anyway.