WELCOME TO THE JAMIE SHOW!

I am afraid.. terrified even......... I am becoming the thing that I hate most..... a "girl"... not a kewl chick, not a young woman, or sharp lady, or sexy dame... but a "girl".

You know the ones with all the emotions, who are always DQing on everyone...... (*DQ=Drama Queen*), who is all about guys constantly, and forgets that their is a life outside of a "relationship".

The girls who correct people's grammar in public, and flick their hair when a cute guy walks by, who get quiet when he looks them square in the eye. The ones who are so sharp with their snarky comments when the "girl" gets jealous, she'll cut someone down to make herself look better.

I have lost my edge, I have lost control of my emotions, I have been spinning down in this spiral, and the worst part is, I have been clawing out like mad at people trying to get someone to pay attention! Then; when they offer to listen I do the stupid most annoying things girls do....

I say "Nothing's wrong!"

When really some days I feel like my world is crashing down around me and that no one is noticing.... another annoying "girl" trait.

Then I wake up and realize, that everyone else has their own problems to deal with, and normally I solve my own, by dealing with everyone else's (typical "girl" thing to do).

This isn't making any sense (another "girl" thing- go on a rampage about absolutely nothing for no reason at the worst possible time! Argh!)

I don't know what I am trying to say... except.... bear with me I am going through some technical difficulties but the old, regular scheduled, programming, of "The Jamie Show" will be back shortly.

Now as for this "girl" who has stolen the mic in the meantime... well I am going to beat her frigging head off.

"M"-I miss your blog, I respect your decision, but I was holding out hope you would change your mind... *sniff*

"Someguy"-I am sorry things couldn't have worked out better, you are one of the greatest guys I have ever met, but Ma was right you are too "tame" for me.

"Kiddo"- I am sorry, cause I always seem to be pissing you off.

Kenzo- Thanks for having us all over on Saturday night, I had a blast.

"Big B"- it's funny how when you are mad at me I get so crushed, and flustered, I have a great deal of respect for you.

Daddy- I miss you, and it sucks that you had to move so far away, I worry about you everyday.....

Ness- I miss you so much, and I love reading every thing you have to say, don't lose your spark and uniqueness.

Shannon- Things are tough sometimes, my heart was broken by what happened, and I hope the situation has improved, I miss you too.

"SuperSteve" So glad the regular updates are back. Thanks again for the comment- jerk! (j/k but you could have pointed it out while we were chatting instead of making me feel dumb.)

Insane Angel- SLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Georgina- What did the one old ladies boob say to the other?

Brent- Update, more I miss the laughs.

Unknownhero- My heart cries a bit every time I read entries of your diary, I am glad I got to know you when I had the chance.

T&S- Thanks again for lending me the cash when I really needed it!

Erica- I would have gone nuts long ago if you hadn’t been around.

Thanks everyone who stops by, though I wish you would comment more, and let me know who the hell you crazies are lol.

I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want, then go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything. And I mean anything!

I need cheering up!
I need answers to my questions?
I need to ask out the intelligent, cute and charming, gentleman from work, who provokes me constantly, which keeps me very intrigued.......
I need a hug!

I am drunk right now, in a skirt, trying to hold a smoke and type at the same time, not working well. I could write about what's on my mind at this very moment but that's too predictable. Instead I will enlighten you al on the busiest night I have ever seen at Main Street bar in North Sydney. I had a blast, we came over to my friend Kenzo's around 9ish, Bill met us as went came through the door, he was playing the guitar, and I recognized Incubus immediately, he was playing "Drive" which is a great song.
We sang along to a few songs on the guitar, including "American Pie" and "Asshole" before heading down to the bar, me in my four inch heels. Tanya( who had came with her friend Carol) walked down the street singing with me..... then Kenzo's friend Jason picked us up and drove us to the bar, which was the most crowded I have ever seen it, and surprisingly enough there were a few good looking young men there. As usual I had the old geezers checking me out left right and centre.

I hooked my friend Kevin (known him since I was a kid and used to just visit Cape Breton) up with carol, ad things look well, they are making out as I type this.

There is a rather good looking gentleman named Bill here (guitar playing guy from earlier) who has peaked my interest, but he is really intoxicated, but is rather good looking and charming.

I feel rather drunk and H**** right now which always sucks, and I am too drunk to type.

I am so happy right now.............

I was in a room filled with sunshine and brightness except there was a door and the doorway was pitch black, the shadows were creeping in engulfing everything with their presence........ slowly filling the room, then all of a sudden more and more things in the room; that had once made it so bright were suddenly, turning cloudy or had already turned to shadows. I was being surrounded by this dark shadows, there were bright things in the room calling out to me to hang on, but the shadows were overpowering..... I broke free but the door is still open, the doorway still looming....

I am afraid.

May 28th, supposed 12 week severance package, no more job for me, good thing I applied at Fortress.

I ended things with the guy- we are two completely different people, he being the nicer of the two, and I not wanting to drag him into my roller-coaster of a life...

My father is flying out to Grande Prairie on Saturday morning.... this makes me very sad, I love my Daddy, and will miss him terribly.

I am going on the Atkins diet shortly, my parents have been on it for a month and have lost 20 pounds or more each.... not expecting anything... but I hope it may work for me.

I put my resume in for a new job, at the Fortress of Louisburg, I can practice my French... which it's been a while since I have spoken a lot of French.

I am getting really excited about the summer can't wait to start going to the beach and maybe even doing some camping......

I have been getting rather down lately, I have been trying to pull myself out of it, another reason I got rid of the guy, I didn't want to drag him down.

There is a guy at work who I have been absolutely fascinated with lately, he provokes me with his bizarre ideas and his eyes spark something within me that causes me to provoke him constantly.

My team won last night, Game 7, Go Leafs Go! Now we defeat the Flyers!

I have a party to attend on Friday night with some rather interesting characters from work.

Though the event I am really looking forward to this weekend... MAIN Street bar in North Sydney..... with some really great guys. ( I love going out when the odds are all in my favor, no females, except the bartender).

I am struggling....


with sex....... and I can't talk about it.... because it's inappropriate and my family sometimes reads this.....








But can someone tell me how to turn off my hormones. Almost every guy that walks by who is single, is a potential ****

but I was brought up that it is wrong,

and I don't want to be a whore...

Please tell me how to turn it off.....

I am dying to "resolve the issue" on a regular basis, like I always thought I had a normal sex drive, I found out I don't, and I can tolerate that usually, but I don't know if it spring fever or what but my hormones are haywire, and I think I may explode.

I shouldn't have posted this.... Damn it!!!!

Big amounts of writting coming,soon...........

I must relieve burden of mind clog, too many conflicting thoughts swirling in head.

I am quickly sinking into a pit of self-loathing and mental decay..... anyone without problems to dump on top, want to help?




Oh that's right i have to suck it up and deal with it cause everyone else has their own shit to deal with too! I forgot!

My mother backed into my car yesterday morning! Argh!

I am having a terrible week, I feel unloved and neglected, and confused....

But I feel good about my appearance today..... which is always a bonus for me.

These are some of the emotions I have been feeling in the last two hours, and the worst part being I cannot write a single word about why all of these emotions have been conflicting within me.

I wish I could write a beautiful stream of conciseness ranting and raving like a loon about everything that is bothering me at this very moment.... but I can't....... and that bothers me.....

There's this cute guy that I work with, who told me this story the other day of how he got his nickname.....

Flash...

You see he's quite proud of it, and he was quite serious about how proud he is of it.......

One evening a few years ago him and a young lady were having some fun (*wink wink* *nudge nudge*), and when it was finished she rolled over and said

"Thanks for making me feel like a real woman Flash "

and then she rolled over and went to sleep. He said "Real woman, you're fifteen what do you know abut being a real woman?"

The best part is he doesn't even realize how sarcastic she was being....

I went to my dear friend Cory's, Friday evening, for a lovely, informal, gathering of friends, while there, I stepped outside for a nicotine fix, joining two of Cory's friends who I had met previously but didn't know overly well. Well the boys were trading stories about piercing and tattoos, and I having a few of the former joined in the discussion, which quickly turned into a tale of fighting (typical male conversation while drunk, how to inflict pain on oneself or another).

Now one of the young men we'll call "Yoshi" was telling a story about his friend "Iggy" (only in Cape Breton or on Nintendo would guys named Iggy and Yoshi be friends), and how poor Iggy had almost been involved in a fight one dark night.

It seems "Iggy" has a few piercings and was in a pizza shop one evening with "Yoshi" and another gentleman, who was also in the shop, telling a tale to some colleagues, but the gentleman was a "hand-talker" and had swung his arm back and knocked "Iggy" in the throat. Now "Iggy" apparently was slightly upset and used some colorful and harsh words to try and convince the man that swinging his arms around while telling a story, while being intoxicated, in a pizza shop, was a rather poor idea considering everyone else in the shop was also intoxicated.

The man didn't enjoy being told by this young gentleman what he could and could not do so he got in "Iggy's" face and told him so, in not the politest of ways. He was in such close proximity to "Iggy" that "Iggy" leaned forward slightly and kissed the man on the face, who was so shocked he back away and then cocked his arm to plunge it forward into "Iggy's face"..................

EXCEPT!

In pulling his arm backwards, he hit the girl behind him in the face........

EXCEPT!

While "Yoshi" was telling this story, he was also re-enacting it also......



I ended up becoming part of the show, and his elbow knocked my bottle of beer square into my mouth which in turn chipped my tooth and cut my lip on either side. He then proceeded to apologize profusely and I didn't learn how the tale ended until I had applied some ice, told Yoshi I wasn't angry 5000 times and had another cigarette.


In case you are curious..........

The girl from the pizza shop ended up beating the crap out of the guy that was swinging his arms around, so "Iggy" just went on his merry way.

The moral of the story boys and girls.....











I should quit fucking smoking!

Yesterday was my mothers birthday, she turned 29 again, she was up and gone to work before I got up, she had left work by the time I got here, and she was sound asleep by the time I got home.

My mother was 23 years old when I was born, she had been married to my father for 4 years, and then proceeded to pop out two more children, my brother Daniel ( born exactly a year and two weeks after me) and Sean ( born 2 years after Daniel). By the time Sean arrived she had a 3 year old and a two year old running around and raising hell. She must have been absolutely nuts.

I gave my mom a really rough time when I was a teenager. The only two times I remember seeing my mother cry was when my grandfather died, I was eight, and when she found out I had been shoplifting, and she relate her own horrid experiences of being a teenager.

She went back to work when I was 12, selling life insurance, a very high-stressed job, it caused a big commotion in our household, my brothers and I suddenly having more responsibilities, and her temper flaring even quicker.

I have friends who would face a lion in the middle of the busiest street in New York, gladly, rather than cross paths with my mother when she is angry.

We fought constantly from the time I turned twelve, until I moved out when I was 17, then this strange thing happened, I started to call her, we had civilized, normal conversations, we related.

Then I got in my car accident, and my mom became my personal maid/nurse, and trust me I am not a good patient. She had to take care of me like I was three, helping me to get dressed, go to the bathroom, bathe, walk. It was a humiliating experience for me, and I hated losing my independence so I was anything but co-operative. She drove me to the doctor took me to see the physiotherapists, psychologists, and put up with my whining about moving my "purple leg".

My brother, Daniel has allergies to everything, which has lead my mother to firmly believe that Claritin is the "cure-all" for everything that ails you. When he broke his collarbone, we all thought Mom would yell at him for not taking his Claritin that morning.

My mom backs down from NO ONE, and she backs all of us up. I have done some pretty fucked up things in my life, and my mom knows everything. I would tell my Dad too, but he is happier not knowing. I can have an open and frank discussion with my Mom about just about anything, and I know she loves me regardless. That's pretty powerful stuff.

I take my parents for granted some times, then I get talking to some of my friends about their families and their experiences growing up, and I wish to God, I could go back and kick my 15 year old bitch self, in the ass.

Anyone who knows my mom be for-warned, don't fuck with her, cause she'll fuck you up.

Her laugh can cause a room full of people to turn their heads, her voice has caused a big stir in more than one church or auditorium. Her eyebrow can raise fear in any child. Her taste in clothes could use a major boost ( Grandma and I have been trying to guide her away from mixing purple and orange, icky). Her temper is quick, her bark is usually worse than the bite. She has great wit, a sharp tongue, she hates when I swear. She is madly in love with my father, who absolutely adores her. The two cannot spend more than 2 weeks apart and they start bumping into walls. She detests when I call her MA (which I do often to tease her), she says it makes her sound like an old granny. She is my Mom, she has been there for me anytime I needed her, and even when I tried to convince myself I didn't. I truly cannot thank her enough.

I love you! I love you! I love you!

"He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes -- I thought you died alone
A long long time ago"

-Man Who Sold The World

Ten years ago I was twelve, I probably liked the gayest music ever, I didn't discover the intense passion and hurt in Nirvana's music until I was 15, and Kurt had been gone for over three years.

This music movement had passed by, this guy understood so much, he wrote lyrics about rage, lust, pain that I was feeling experiencing, he was expressing brilliantly.

The eeriness of him singing about being an outcast in a world that suddenly made outcasts cool. How can you show how unique and angry you are when everyone is mimicking everything that you say and do?

He wrote some of the most beautiful and intriguing lyrics, set to music that magnified all the emotions behind it.

I made out with my first real boyfriend listening to Rape Me, I cut my arms up to "All Apologies", I listened to "The Man who sold the World" (a David Bowie cover) and wondered if I really should be teaching Sunday school. I cried when I listened to "Come as you are" with my friend Jenn after she drank a bottle of Bleach and got thrown in the psychiatric wing of the hospital. I listened to "Smells like Teen Spirit" when my parents pissed me off, and I wanted to die. When I was drunk, alone and walking home in the dark I used to sing "Lake of Fire" at the top of my lungs.

"It's better to burn out than to fade away."

-Kurt Cobain's suicide note

People were shocked when Kurt killed himself, "people don't understand suicide"

bullshit.....

We have all contemplated what the world would be like without us, we have all felt extreme pressure in our lives at some point in time. I don't agree with what Kurt did, I don't think it's acceptable, but I think it's important to realize that it is not something easily dismissed.

"The World Health Organization projects that one million people will die from suicide this year - a global mortality rate of 16 per 100,000, or one death every 40 seconds."


Taken from:

Centre for Suicide Prevention

"I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light"

-Dumb



This didn't go in the direction I expected, I wanted to pay tribute to someone whose words touched me at a point in my life when I struggled so much to comprehend why I was struggling. I am unable to find the proper words to express what this music meant means to me.

I am trying to create an "About Me" link...... if there is something you want me to include... send and email:

Capergrl@msn.com

or leave a comment!

I have no idea where to begin or what to say!

and that's all I have to say about that!

On a side note, read Steve's blog, he isn't killing the blog, and that makes this girl a happy camper (well plus the Jamican Rum)!

Oh and I like cheese!

I am sitting here chatting with SuperSteve on messenger, and he asked me to load his page, and I got page cannot be displayed, and I was shocked. I asked him why he didn't even want to leave his archives, and then he explained he was kidding and that the server must be down. I was worried!

I have so many jumbled thoughts in my head today, and I don't quite know if I should express them, with my usual amount of honesty, for fear of hurting someone.

I may just get drunk tonight, write exactly what I want to say and chalk it all up to being drunk.

I went to see Hellboy last night, I was disappointed, they could have gone so many ways with the premise, but they did the predictable story.

We also played some Serious Sam and Fusion Frenzy, I think I could become addicted to some of those games. Though nothing can compared to some Tetris and Heavy Metal music, I could do that for hours.

I figured out a few thingies about my blog and am excited to test them out, so stay tuned to the regularly scheduled programming. I am not very adapt at website design, I got excited when I changed the font colors.

I did the whole review thing to see what a complete stranger thought of my "place to rant and rave", and I still am constantly shocked by the amount of people who read this drivel. Every time someone mentions that they read my site, I am taken aback and think of every single word I have ever written here.

Super Steve is thinking of retiring from the blogging bizz, and I demand that everyone who enjoys reading my site or his site or any site, for my sake go and complain in his comments! Quite frankly I am addicted and if he ends he reign as blog king, I may just cry. Though someone on his comments section did make a good point, that it may be interfering with his life and yadda yadda, but I am selfishly clinging to the hope that he doesn't desert us all.

I am packing all night tonight, moving out of my apartment that my little brother and I shared, it got to be two expensive living in a three-bedroom apartment and there were only two of us.

I went to court again yesterday, I played Disney Monopoly in the witness room, and gave death glares to the defendant in the court room. He was found guilty on one charge, plead guilty to another, and we all go back next month to hear what's going to happen with the other charges.

My aunt's 50th birthday is this weekend, and my mother plans on drinking, check back on Sunday for full update of my mom being loaded cause if she actually is, I will probably pee my pants laughing. I have NEVER seen my mother drunk, and trust me I have tried time and time again to get her loaded, but to no avail. They are planning on having Karaoke and everything, god help us all. The guy was wise enough to balk at the suggestion that he accompany me. I am bringing a good friend instead he knows how nutty the family is, and we'll probably go have some "chicken" and just laugh our asses off at the fools.

Alrighty so I got reviewed by The Weblog Review, and I got a 3 out of 5 if anyone wants to read the review

The Weblog Review

there it is.