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Okay the blog I didn't really want to write..... The one about the worst night of my life.... now this may seem rather.... well for me it was a horrifying experience... I am quite sensitive and am amazed at how cold and calculating and insanely calm I was....... until of course the after-effects set in and the following three days in a walking coma. It was the longest time in my life that I went without sleep un-voluntarily....... it was the first time in my life that I realized that I was weak, vulnerable, I was human.

Aww fuck it I will just tell you and let you come to your own conclusions do not judge me or my friends to harshly we were young and innocent... some of us, luckily still are.......

It was a fairly chilly evening in October, a Thursday, wing night in Tantallon ( a small town next to the one I had lived in.) I had the night off, from the bar I worked in. It was a Thursday night ritual to head to Tantallon for wings, we knew the waitresses and were friends with most of them (being fellow bartenders and having to deal with many of the same drunks). My friend Jenniene and I had decided to head down for some wings and a few beers (okay a lot of beers). We were going to bring her friend Travis who had offered to drive..... now a little background on them both: Travis was supposedly quite well-endowed which had enticed one of my friends, he was also an EMT who also worked at a nursing home with Jenniene. Jenniene was studying to be a nurse, she was already through most training.

Now when we arrived at the bar, I had a beer and started playing pool ( my fave thing to do in the bar), now Travis had one beer, it being only 9 pm, and the bar not closing till 4 am, one beer wouldn't hurt right. The he has a few bought for him by the friend who wanted to discover how well endowed he was. I had two beer by this time and had decided that he was not driving me home, Jenniene was well on her way and she says "Well I will just stop now and by the time we leave I will just drive slow and we'll go the back way (across gravel roads I think not!). I am AGAINST drinking and driving! Matter of fact I HATE it and MOST people who do it. So I had two beer it's 10 is I stop and start drinking pop and water, now 2 beers will not effect me on a cold day in hell but no risk taking here so lots of water, and a few more games of pool. Things are good.

Then two boys walk in that I know, they are friends of my friends Kent and in a grade younger than my little brother, now I had just turned 21, my brother had just turned 18. I figured it being a busy night (with the cheap wings and all) the waitress probe didn't notice them right away so I walk over to her give her a tap on the shoulder and let her know that she should id them. She kicks out another kid (he was 17) out and ignores the other two. Quite possibly because they were sitting with a table of young people who were spending a lot of money, possibly because this establishment is known for their lenience on minors, and being a little out of the way not having to worry about cops randomly stopping by.

So back to my game I go, cause I hadn't noticed the boys drinking but I was pretty sure they were drunk when they walked in. Now the younger of the two (the one I didn't know overly well) makes a rather obscene comment to me as I walk by him to shoot pool, something about my chest, and showing him my breasts. I cursed the little bastard and told him to shut the fuck up.

I then, in a pretty prissy mood, went up to the waitress and pointed out to the waitress who the boys were and the fact that they were "minors", she ignored me. Now my friends are blitzed.... I am far too sober at last call to listen to the drooling drunks tell there same old stories. I strike up an intellectual conversation with a fairly attractive young man, about something totally forgotten. As the waitress is doing last call my friend, Amy (who worked in this particular bar but had the evening off) mentioned AGAIN to the girl working (the same one I had already spoken to TWICE) that the boys were under-aged that she had just served and I confirmed the fact AGAIN.

Oh words went unheeded and we began to make plans of where we would go at 4 am to have a quick breakfast before heading home to bed. We had decided on my friends Jamie's (the male version) we would all meet there, but we couldn't be too loud since his roommate Beau had firefighting training early in the morning, like CPR and such.

Amy had invited Travis back with her (to find out how much man he really was) and he was well off his rocker, since I had taken the keys quite a while earlier in the evening, Jenniene and I climbed into his car, ( a cute little black foreign thing with 2 doors) and headed up the hill back to our town.

Now Jenniene is thoroughly intoxicated, and rambling away and playing with the radio, I noticed a strange orange light up ahead, I thought someone had hit a deer (cause out west deer are extremely common). I slow down and see a car... I think it's a car........ Oh my god there is someone in the backseat. I ran over yelling at the top of my lungs hello? hello? hello? It's a young boy...... why would his parents.... where are his parents... holy fuck it's **** one of the boys from the bar. I climbed in the backseat of the car through some glass and twisted metal. He was jammed between the seat and the side wall of the car (it's a two door mustang as I later discovered, I have no idea how he got back there since he was driving). I checked for a pulse and could have sworn I felt one (only later to realize it was my own). I tried to see if he was breathing, and keep myself calm, I hadn’t taking any training in over five years, never administered CPR or artificial respiration to anyone besides a dummy during swimming lessons. Here I was trying to make sure I didn't move him to much (he was a hockey player headed to the NHL someday) I didn't want to injure his back, or his neck, "he looks so little, what if I make things worse, I have to plug his nose his lips look blue, he is already dead oh god he really is dead I have to save him, but I can't but I have to try" I then blew air into him, it didn't go very far, I know it never reached his lungs. I wanted to try CPR but his chest was crushed by the seat almost to his shoulders. I climbed out of the car yelling for Jenniene to try her cell and call an ambulance, we were in a valley on a bridge, no signal. Then the other guy is running towards us, he had run up the hill for help but the nearest house was to far away he had seen my car coming down the hill. Now my dear friend Jenniene is sitting on the ground crying, saying he is dead, the other boy is bleeding I give him my sweater. He doesn't really look that badly hurt... so I climb back in the car... even though I knew he was gone...... I breathed in his mouth again... I made a fuss (more for his friend than anything) I couldn't really do much...... he was gone....... then another truck pulls up (Beau had stopped earlier and Jenniene sent him back to the bar to call an ambulance because her cell didn't get service in the valley). It was the brother of the passenger (a life guard), a girl I knew fairly well (also a life guard) and another guy we all knew (who later told me he had taking emergency training but forgot everything the second he got there).

Now it seemed as though I had been there for hours but in reality only a few minutes had passed, things just slowed down........ Now the girl climbed into the car with me to check on him (I was second-guessing myself and wanted to be certain, I felt responsible and I thought with her training.....) bad idea, she went to school with him....... again we both tried giving him breaths, check to see how bad the injuries were if we could move him to give CPR. We couldn't...... we shouldn't....... she lost it and started freaking, I shook her and told her to calm down or she would freak out everyone else...........

Then began the waiting game, I covered him with a jacket.... (I was thinking to keep him warm.....), I then proceeded to sit down and smoke a lot and wish I was drunk, incoherently drunk, like everyone else around me I wanted to be oblivious to the young boy laying dead in the back seat of a car only a few feet from the guard-rail I sat on......... oblivious to the fact that I had two life guards, a nurse in training another young man with life-saving training and we had sent the only paramedic off with my friend to get laid........... I was useless. I had fucked up, I didn't know what to do, what if he is still alive (I went back and checked a few more times even though I had known when I first saw him that he was gone)...... what could I have done differently..... it wasn't the waitresses fault, I mea they were drunk when they got to the bar, it wasn't really either of the boys fault drinking and driving is acceptable where I lived at the time (as fucken retarded as that sounds most people do drink and drive and continue to do so) the driver had fallen asleep on the sharp curve, they both were asleep when the collided with the bridge....... I can't even begin to try and rationalize this.............

Using an old cellular phone someone had called the cops and ambulance, we off course we just on the boundary line for two different police departments and hospitals therefore it took forever for them to arrive........ we were all hurt and stunned because we knew he was dead........ and super pissed because of the latency on their part........ we all had to answer the cops questions, and I sent Jenniene home with Beau, she was a wreck...... I ended up having to drive the rest home because the cops had deemed every besides me too drunk to drive.... it was a long quiet ride back....... I went home and crawled into my bed and lost it, I cried till I almost vomited. then I called my parents....... with the time difference it being 6 am out west it was already 9 am here and they were gone to work...... so I called my grandmother and recanted the evenings events to her through heavy tears........ then Amy stopped by with Travis and drug me out to look for Jenniene she hadn't gone home (I found out later it was because she was afraid to go home and be alone). I never felt so alone in my whole life....... we all ended up taking up camp in Jenniene's living room like zombies after we picked her up from Beau and Jamie's (no breakfast for us).

I went to the doctor to see if I needed a tetanus shot, and he ended up asking me how this all made me feel (I was in my Pajama's and bathrobe) if I had slept...... I broke down again... he gave me some sleeping pills and the rest of the weekend was pretty fussy....... I worked my last shift at the bar...... half dead...... I didn't get to sleep for a long time, I couldn't close my eyes without seeing it all in front of me...... I felt so responsible.......... I still feel quite responsible, I mean only a few hours before I had ratted these kids out, and told him off for making an obscene suggestion........ I should have been able to do something....

I spoke with a cop a few months later, she explained to me that I couldn't have done anything, he was in fact dead when I arrived....... the bar where they were drinking prior to the accident and the waitress where fined........ and I still have nightmares..............