WELCOME TO THE JAMIE SHOW!

You know I was reading my cousin Vanessa's online journal from the beginning (she started it in 2001) and I was thinking of where I was and what I was doing when reading particular entries.......... You know what I love most about my life............. NO REGRETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know very many people my age who can say that........ I have done some pretty crazy/stupid things in my life, face some hardships and have been used and tossed away....... but I regret none of it and am quite content with almost all the choices I have made in my life, even the ones that were bad, cause they brought me here...........

sometimes I get a little teary-eyed thinking about people I miss and things I would like to do again......... I mean seriously I own my own car, get along with my family, have been through most of Canada and the us and have even spent a week in Mexico.......... I have friends in almost every major city in Canada, and am going to England in April. Sometimes I am not overly content with my job but I get to meet some pretty kewl people and it keeps life pretty interesting.

Wow a lot of writting today..........

No one has really been updating much lately which causes me great distress because of my serious addiction to reading all blogs........... I had training at work today for a new product.......... i read blogs and journals and diarys and news..... and came to realize no one updates anymore at all.......... *YAWN*......... come one people i miss reading about your lives and crazy stories.. i even tried to make some changes to my page. but was unsuccessful. i must track down my dear friend cory again to help me if he isn't too "busy" with the newer things in his life.

I had no sleep and a lot of beer........... this can be a lethal combination especially with some of my crazier friends........ well last night I went out to a local dirt bag bar for Karaoke night.... I didn't have to work thanks to full day VTO. We had helped someone from work move some stuff. Now by we I mean Erica and I, Erica is a girl who I work with who I always thought HATED me........ turns out she didn't, and now we hang out every once in a while.

Anyway I was asked to help with the moving, but it involved getting up super early (10 am was when we were to meet up). So I decided it would be easier to just not go to bed........... so instead I worked till 1 am, drove some friends home, came back picked up Tanya then on to Sydney picked up Jason drove out to the bridge dropped some stuff off, picked up some clothes to wear while moving and headed back to Sydney for coffee, which turned into breakfast since Tim's had no bagels at 3:30 am. Then drove everyone back home, and headed home to finish watching the matrix, having a shower, and getting ready for my crazy day.

So then Monday night......... after everything was said and done I hit the bar with Erica at 10:30 with less than an hour and a half of sleep......... we proceeded to drink two pitchers of draft and then a shot of tequila, then Shallen comes over (another friend from work) and we drank two more pitchers and had another shot of tequila.............. I was gonzo/sloshed/plastered/tanked/drunk!

We played pool listen to some people sing some rather good songs; rather poorly, some more dreadful than others, flirted a bit and got hit on by old men and went home and talked poor Kelly's ear off in a drunken stupor. A good time had by all I am sure. Btw Shallen thanks for making your man drive me home, I don't think I had the capacity to walk home in the rain!

Friday night I made my first trip to the infamous Daniels. Now apparently it is the Tuesday night bar, but I heard it was a little classier than most bars in Sydney (now that is NOT saying very much at ALL). We had also gone to Dooley's earlier and I had some lovely drinks and played some pool we also managed to catch a movie (Scary movie 3 to be exact) which was bizarre because I seen the "boy" there on a date.... which was weird for a minute, though my friends helped me rationalize it and we really are better off just friends......

So at Daniels on Friday a rather cute young man was playing and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, the place was actually fairly nice, I liked the little deck (though it was too chilly to actually sit out there). Then onto Herman's which I hadn't been to on a Friday evening and we just chilled out and suffered through the band (the music was too depressing).

Then Tanya and I hopped in Tracey's car, Tanya being my wonderful Designated Driver for the evening, she can't drive a standard so we took Tracey's car and Tracey drove mine with the other Tracy and Kiddo. We decided to go to Burger King and meet up after ordering..... WELL.......... Tanya and I are driving along (fairly slowly cause Tanya likes to drive like an elderly woman) so these boys go flying by and then ding they slow down and start yelling out the window at us, they proceeded to drive next to us for the next few minutes asking us where we were going, if we knew about any parties and if they could get a kiss..... We were both a little shocked we figured our night was over... no decent prospects and were winding down........and then BOYS!

We pull into the burger king parking lot looking for our friends (ok! ok! we were waiting to see if the guys would follow so sue us for wanting to meet some guys) and sure enough they pull up next to us......... Well needless to say Tanya and I both kissed some boys had a rather enjoyable evening and I think it was one of our stranger adventures together..... We had more than enough to go around but some of our friends were ill others married and another lost only to be found the next day!

AND that was only Friday night!

So I have another story for those of you who LOVE to mock me.............. I fell down the stairs at Hermans on Sat nite..... which was just like something out of a movie. My feet kicked out from under me and I bounced down two stairs and landed with my hands out from my sides like a crazy Betty Boop stance. ( I actually bruised my bum). Only to then be approached by a rather attractive man....... who has a girlfriend, and as little self-control that I do have.......... (which is NONE) I managed to control myself and carry on a civil conversation......... Thank God for the beer and it's powerful anesthesic effects, I made it through the evening with no one beign the wiser of my tumble

Now that wouldn't have been quite so bad except on Sunday nite I proceeded to get drunk with Tanya for her birthday and ended up falling on the floor in her apartment and needed assistance getting up and into bed......... with the kitten trying to claw me to death (he is soooo cute) not fun............... anyway so sitting here at work is rather painful.........

Anyway here is something I had forwarded to me through email and I thought I would post it so I can re-read it every once and a while, cause I met someone last night who spent the last year in Nepal and you know it made me think about where I need to be...........

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough 'Hellos' to get you through the final 'Good-bye'.

"It takes a minute to find special persons,
an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but
then an entire lifetime to forget them."

Oh what a weekend.......... man oh man oh man.............. Though minus any obscene phone calls, a lot of groping, too much Draft (moosehead I do believe), some dancing, cute boys, laughs and only a few minor squabbles.

Oh the stories I could tell......... I love hearing everyone's "dirty little secrets" though I hate working in the eh same building as my MOTHER and BROTHER and having a PERSON tell PEOPLE about the obscene messages I leave on their phone when I was DRUNK! Guess I won't be able to that anymore........ If anyone would like to receive drunk messages from me or one of my lovely friends while we are drunk please leave your number in the comments or feel free to email it to me....... cause I came to realize I am not the only one who at 3 am (or so) while drunk and having their very own cellphone in their hand decides it would be fun to call people and say crazy/sexy things to their friends/ friends answering machines.......

anyway that was my rant about that................ My girls had birthdays and tonight we are hitting Daniels for tanyas then back on over to hermans....... and Megs is home and I got to go out to a bar in North Sydney (apparently a "grubby" bar) and we drank cheap Draft and had a BLAST!

Lyric:"I'll give you ten of your cities for Marion Bridge and the pleasure it brings."
Song: Out on the Mira
Written by: Allister MacGillivray

How true it is though..... I was on my way to my parents place tonight at about 1:30 am and I had a million thoughts flying through my head, about my life, my friends, my job, my car, my family, my health, my living arrangements, my addiction to nicotine........... and then I rounded the turn with all the reflectors....... and it settled over me gently........

CALM

I felt instantly at ease, the muddled thoughts drifted from my mind and I thought why am I worried about all this bullshit now why don't I just go home chat a bit and call my good friend Ryan and vegetate. I let go of my guilt about cheating ( I smoked two cigarettes today and enjoyed them more than I should have, though I will be strong and return to being smoke-free tomorrow). My concerns about why the boy is not interested (he told me he didn't know if he was or wasn't which means he isn't and that's disappointing....... It hurts, but I will survive, as long as we remain friends he is pretty interesting guy to talk to). My overwhelming guilt about my health and how lax I have been with doctors appointments ( I was supposed to go for bloodwork MONTHS ago). My troublesome thoughts about some of my friends (here and away) I know they are all grown adults but some of them do the silliest things and do NOT take proper care of themselves.


The sky is clearer and much more immense, the stars shine brighter, the air seems so much more crisp and cleaner here. I feel safe, relaxed and care-free, (even if this house is slightly haunted). It is magical and mysterious I love it so.

Here I sit in a training class learning more boring crap about my job........ it's a two hour training class on something that we will not know anything about until we actually get to use it. So instead I am going to type up a blog entry in notepad, paste it in my email and then posting it so you can read it...... things I want to say........ it's hard to be happy when all your friends are down, you are alone, and confused. I am trying to save money for my trip, 100$ a week till April should give me approximately two thousand dollars. Since I have actually quit smoking (11 days and counting) I should be saving around 30$ a week, going to stop buying my lunch everyday, I suck ass at saving money. I bought my brand new winter jacket yesterday...... I love it, it adds to my snotty bitch, that I seem to have started lately.

I bought some new fun things yesterday on my magical mystery tour with Tracey (you blow my mind with your continued strength and sheer will-power) we had a ball and I think we should do it again soon but I am not allowed to spend money next time.

Megs is coming down for the weekend........ Yea should be a good time had by all....... Apparently I get to go to some kind of bar that is "grubby" and that is exciting...... I get to chill out and just have a few drinks...... I think it may be a vodka night.

I called many of my friends on Friday night in my complete and utter drunken state and left a obscene message on one of their phones....... I have no idea who else I talked to and at 25 cents a minute I hope it was entertaining to most of them. I had a thoroughly enjoyable weekend... I came back to a dark and dreary group of friends who no longer seem to have time, and have decided maybe it's me......... So I will wait patiently for them to interact with me (I have NO patience) if they do not call therefore they do not want to be around me...... and I was right all along I do need new friends!

I will prob rant and rave later on........... I am hoping most of you have grown bored with this and have stopped reading it......... cause I may get a little out of control later.......... this quitting smoking has done the strangest things to my brain...............

I had a terrific weekend........ I would love to tell you all about it....... but the thing is....... i have forgotten a small portion of it..... and need to sort through some more of it out...... so i don't give out any mis-information.......... please feel free to comment about all your wonderful weekends....... (you freaks that read this)

*BTW*

I am in HEAT this week, worse than usual so all males beware......... I am avoiding work as much as possible, toooooo many men around to entertain my thoughts......... hehehehehe.......

Okay the blog I didn't really want to write..... The one about the worst night of my life.... now this may seem rather.... well for me it was a horrifying experience... I am quite sensitive and am amazed at how cold and calculating and insanely calm I was....... until of course the after-effects set in and the following three days in a walking coma. It was the longest time in my life that I went without sleep un-voluntarily....... it was the first time in my life that I realized that I was weak, vulnerable, I was human.

Aww fuck it I will just tell you and let you come to your own conclusions do not judge me or my friends to harshly we were young and innocent... some of us, luckily still are.......

It was a fairly chilly evening in October, a Thursday, wing night in Tantallon ( a small town next to the one I had lived in.) I had the night off, from the bar I worked in. It was a Thursday night ritual to head to Tantallon for wings, we knew the waitresses and were friends with most of them (being fellow bartenders and having to deal with many of the same drunks). My friend Jenniene and I had decided to head down for some wings and a few beers (okay a lot of beers). We were going to bring her friend Travis who had offered to drive..... now a little background on them both: Travis was supposedly quite well-endowed which had enticed one of my friends, he was also an EMT who also worked at a nursing home with Jenniene. Jenniene was studying to be a nurse, she was already through most training.

Now when we arrived at the bar, I had a beer and started playing pool ( my fave thing to do in the bar), now Travis had one beer, it being only 9 pm, and the bar not closing till 4 am, one beer wouldn't hurt right. The he has a few bought for him by the friend who wanted to discover how well endowed he was. I had two beer by this time and had decided that he was not driving me home, Jenniene was well on her way and she says "Well I will just stop now and by the time we leave I will just drive slow and we'll go the back way (across gravel roads I think not!). I am AGAINST drinking and driving! Matter of fact I HATE it and MOST people who do it. So I had two beer it's 10 is I stop and start drinking pop and water, now 2 beers will not effect me on a cold day in hell but no risk taking here so lots of water, and a few more games of pool. Things are good.

Then two boys walk in that I know, they are friends of my friends Kent and in a grade younger than my little brother, now I had just turned 21, my brother had just turned 18. I figured it being a busy night (with the cheap wings and all) the waitress probe didn't notice them right away so I walk over to her give her a tap on the shoulder and let her know that she should id them. She kicks out another kid (he was 17) out and ignores the other two. Quite possibly because they were sitting with a table of young people who were spending a lot of money, possibly because this establishment is known for their lenience on minors, and being a little out of the way not having to worry about cops randomly stopping by.

So back to my game I go, cause I hadn't noticed the boys drinking but I was pretty sure they were drunk when they walked in. Now the younger of the two (the one I didn't know overly well) makes a rather obscene comment to me as I walk by him to shoot pool, something about my chest, and showing him my breasts. I cursed the little bastard and told him to shut the fuck up.

I then, in a pretty prissy mood, went up to the waitress and pointed out to the waitress who the boys were and the fact that they were "minors", she ignored me. Now my friends are blitzed.... I am far too sober at last call to listen to the drooling drunks tell there same old stories. I strike up an intellectual conversation with a fairly attractive young man, about something totally forgotten. As the waitress is doing last call my friend, Amy (who worked in this particular bar but had the evening off) mentioned AGAIN to the girl working (the same one I had already spoken to TWICE) that the boys were under-aged that she had just served and I confirmed the fact AGAIN.

Oh words went unheeded and we began to make plans of where we would go at 4 am to have a quick breakfast before heading home to bed. We had decided on my friends Jamie's (the male version) we would all meet there, but we couldn't be too loud since his roommate Beau had firefighting training early in the morning, like CPR and such.

Amy had invited Travis back with her (to find out how much man he really was) and he was well off his rocker, since I had taken the keys quite a while earlier in the evening, Jenniene and I climbed into his car, ( a cute little black foreign thing with 2 doors) and headed up the hill back to our town.

Now Jenniene is thoroughly intoxicated, and rambling away and playing with the radio, I noticed a strange orange light up ahead, I thought someone had hit a deer (cause out west deer are extremely common). I slow down and see a car... I think it's a car........ Oh my god there is someone in the backseat. I ran over yelling at the top of my lungs hello? hello? hello? It's a young boy...... why would his parents.... where are his parents... holy fuck it's **** one of the boys from the bar. I climbed in the backseat of the car through some glass and twisted metal. He was jammed between the seat and the side wall of the car (it's a two door mustang as I later discovered, I have no idea how he got back there since he was driving). I checked for a pulse and could have sworn I felt one (only later to realize it was my own). I tried to see if he was breathing, and keep myself calm, I hadn’t taking any training in over five years, never administered CPR or artificial respiration to anyone besides a dummy during swimming lessons. Here I was trying to make sure I didn't move him to much (he was a hockey player headed to the NHL someday) I didn't want to injure his back, or his neck, "he looks so little, what if I make things worse, I have to plug his nose his lips look blue, he is already dead oh god he really is dead I have to save him, but I can't but I have to try" I then blew air into him, it didn't go very far, I know it never reached his lungs. I wanted to try CPR but his chest was crushed by the seat almost to his shoulders. I climbed out of the car yelling for Jenniene to try her cell and call an ambulance, we were in a valley on a bridge, no signal. Then the other guy is running towards us, he had run up the hill for help but the nearest house was to far away he had seen my car coming down the hill. Now my dear friend Jenniene is sitting on the ground crying, saying he is dead, the other boy is bleeding I give him my sweater. He doesn't really look that badly hurt... so I climb back in the car... even though I knew he was gone...... I breathed in his mouth again... I made a fuss (more for his friend than anything) I couldn't really do much...... he was gone....... then another truck pulls up (Beau had stopped earlier and Jenniene sent him back to the bar to call an ambulance because her cell didn't get service in the valley). It was the brother of the passenger (a life guard), a girl I knew fairly well (also a life guard) and another guy we all knew (who later told me he had taking emergency training but forgot everything the second he got there).

Now it seemed as though I had been there for hours but in reality only a few minutes had passed, things just slowed down........ Now the girl climbed into the car with me to check on him (I was second-guessing myself and wanted to be certain, I felt responsible and I thought with her training.....) bad idea, she went to school with him....... again we both tried giving him breaths, check to see how bad the injuries were if we could move him to give CPR. We couldn't...... we shouldn't....... she lost it and started freaking, I shook her and told her to calm down or she would freak out everyone else...........

Then began the waiting game, I covered him with a jacket.... (I was thinking to keep him warm.....), I then proceeded to sit down and smoke a lot and wish I was drunk, incoherently drunk, like everyone else around me I wanted to be oblivious to the young boy laying dead in the back seat of a car only a few feet from the guard-rail I sat on......... oblivious to the fact that I had two life guards, a nurse in training another young man with life-saving training and we had sent the only paramedic off with my friend to get laid........... I was useless. I had fucked up, I didn't know what to do, what if he is still alive (I went back and checked a few more times even though I had known when I first saw him that he was gone)...... what could I have done differently..... it wasn't the waitresses fault, I mea they were drunk when they got to the bar, it wasn't really either of the boys fault drinking and driving is acceptable where I lived at the time (as fucken retarded as that sounds most people do drink and drive and continue to do so) the driver had fallen asleep on the sharp curve, they both were asleep when the collided with the bridge....... I can't even begin to try and rationalize this.............

Using an old cellular phone someone had called the cops and ambulance, we off course we just on the boundary line for two different police departments and hospitals therefore it took forever for them to arrive........ we were all hurt and stunned because we knew he was dead........ and super pissed because of the latency on their part........ we all had to answer the cops questions, and I sent Jenniene home with Beau, she was a wreck...... I ended up having to drive the rest home because the cops had deemed every besides me too drunk to drive.... it was a long quiet ride back....... I went home and crawled into my bed and lost it, I cried till I almost vomited. then I called my parents....... with the time difference it being 6 am out west it was already 9 am here and they were gone to work...... so I called my grandmother and recanted the evenings events to her through heavy tears........ then Amy stopped by with Travis and drug me out to look for Jenniene she hadn't gone home (I found out later it was because she was afraid to go home and be alone). I never felt so alone in my whole life....... we all ended up taking up camp in Jenniene's living room like zombies after we picked her up from Beau and Jamie's (no breakfast for us).

I went to the doctor to see if I needed a tetanus shot, and he ended up asking me how this all made me feel (I was in my Pajama's and bathrobe) if I had slept...... I broke down again... he gave me some sleeping pills and the rest of the weekend was pretty fussy....... I worked my last shift at the bar...... half dead...... I didn't get to sleep for a long time, I couldn't close my eyes without seeing it all in front of me...... I felt so responsible.......... I still feel quite responsible, I mean only a few hours before I had ratted these kids out, and told him off for making an obscene suggestion........ I should have been able to do something....

I spoke with a cop a few months later, she explained to me that I couldn't have done anything, he was in fact dead when I arrived....... the bar where they were drinking prior to the accident and the waitress where fined........ and I still have nightmares..............

I will actually not blog from Friday-Monday and it will be weird, I am going to my grandmother's house for thanksgiving and she doesn't have the slightest interest in learning how to turn on a computer sooooooooo no blogging for me this weekend.... which means I can't read any of your blogs till I get back, and if any of you leave terribly wicked comments calling me a bitch (well I am m but still) or anything equally interesting, I won't be able to delete them till Monday so enjoy it while it lasts LOL.

I am leaving a post there for the weekend I would appreciate no comments on it. It was the worst night of my existence and I needed to purge it from my system.

I expelled all of my anger last night in my live journal (very weakly but still the point got out). I am a little tense from the non-smoking (day four going strong).

I am wondering if I should give up on the boy....... I have gotten no response either way and am thinking maybe we should just stay friends........ (though I shouldn't post this since he reads it.... aww fuck it, I hate editing myself).

I have been talking to Ness about England and tossing around ideas of things we should do, and where we are going to stay, and all the places we want to see, we are going to hug the Guards at Buckingham palace (and quite possibly be arrested which may be a slight turn-on) which thrills me to no end, I have the mister burns "excellent" fingers while contemplating the idea of hugging an old guard (wait do they have guns????) Oh I am so mega excited......... and murdering my savings by going on another crazy adventure but so long as I have enough to travel to Jamaica the following January I should be fine!

Anyway, I noticed a lot of people I don't know have been reading (thanks for commenting) and people my mom knows read this (thanks for telling her about the nipple piercings she had actually NOT read it lol) which she is freaking out about... and I find incredibly weird......... why are you people reading my insane drivel?????? Oh well I enjoy writing it (probably too much).

That's right folks.......... I made some pretty hard-core decisions this week and I am sticking to each and everyone of them.

I AM GOING TO ENGLAND! April 7th-28th I will be in jolly ole England. I haven't decided where else, if we will venture in to Ireland (here's hoping) and we must go to Scotland but I will not talk to any men only boys under 18 and men over 35...... Therefore I will not meet "him" whoever he is.

I QUIT SMOKING. Sheer will-power. I have no self-control (did I mention my complete and utter lack of self-control). No deterrents of any sort, no patch, no pills, no special gums (except my excel). Just loads of water, a lot of silent screaming matches and my own stubbornness to keep me away.

I AM GOING TO SCHOOL. I am finally going to look into actually getting my teaching degree. If I have to go to school for the next ten years (cause I won't be happy till I have my doctorate). I may as well start the first few now. I'll get one done at the very least and see how it goes. I mean I am an old woman now.

I AM GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT. Who knows how much or how long it will take but by the time I am 25 I am going to be back to my normal healthy self, possibly I will run a marathon... Wouldn't like be nice. Maybe I will finally be able to learn how to snow-board.

I have also given up on my job, and letting it get to me in any way shape or form. My friends who I have to pacify all the time, well guess what it is over. I am not going to play mother hen anymore, if you want to be an idiot and get yourself in trouble by all means go for it.

I HAD THE SHITTIEST BIRTHDAY EVER. I went to a funeral for my 15th birthday and it was better than this one. Though the girls calling me to sing happy birthday, hermans, the rose, and the lovely comments, and the fit- I threw, all were high points.

(and for those of you a little sensitive stay the fuck away from the next statement)

*********NEVERMIND***************

crossword puzzles and cheese

that is all

Things said while drunk, are better left that way and best forgotten......... I am super pissed about crying on my one drama-free night........ Oh and thanks to "you" for listening to me ramble through the tears.......... and i have realised that as compassionate as i am; i HAVE to stop taking it to heart because it really does break a peice off every single time........... and thanks to tanya and tracey for the SUPER kewl birthday gifts as embarrassing as they were.... if you want complete detasils message me a la messengrie.......... and kel really i warne you about me getting toasted.......... you really shouldn't yell at me when i am drunk............ it's never good................

Okay so here is my confession, time for Jamie to talk about her addictions.... though not as severe as most... still most of them are pretty lethal...... now most of you know about the obvious one: blogs, love them read them all, everyday i check each and every one of your blogs......

Now a silly one: ANGEL the show is awesome i love how cheesy it is. DAVID BORENAZ is H-O-T..... and i started watching Buffy when it first started and got hooked EVERYONE makes fun of me for it, but i can deal. Then there is sleep.... I LOVE to sleep all day everyday.. i can sleep for 10-12 hours if left alone in a nice warm bed. On to the clothes, i spend far too much money on clothes, when i first gained all the weight after my accident i stoppped buying clothes, cause let's face it.. fat girls clothes are ugly.. but WAIT! then in January totally by accident i walked into this store next to blockbuster in saint john (nb) cause they had a 70% off sale...... i dicovered PENNINGTON'S and an hour and half and 1000$ (yes a thousand) dollars later...... i walked out..... and haven't stopped since. Now for every 500$ you spend you get a 25$ gift certificate and i now have 4 and another in the mail... omg i am an addict!

so then the more obvious ones... like from the last bit you will notice that i described myself as fat... and before someone dares utter the sentence "jamie you are not fat" open your mother fucking eyes and stop telling me shit i don't want to hear.. cause quite frankly.. i am sick of being the funny fat friend; it was cute and fun for a while... but it is getting old fast... i don't want to be the girl you are friends with because you don't feel threaten by her: "cause really what guy is going to pick her over me?" or "Jamie you are my first "bigger" friend".... I hate "bigger" and "chubby" and fucking "chunky"... soup is chunky; I am fat! and godammit i am sick of it..... though the funny things is: i enjoy my body so much more now than i ever did when i was "thinner" ( i have never been "thin" big shoulders, huge chest and gigantic hips!) but i used to be 36c-28-36 with a perfect stomach and i hated myself i thought i was huge and ugly and blah blah blah... and do not get me wrong i don't hate myself now by any stretch of the imagination...... i hate being unhealthy.. i could care less what the drunk guy at the bar thinks of me... or really any of my friends cause hey this is me and fuck you! if you don't like it...... but i wanna be able to feel comfortable in my own skin again, i want to feel sexy most of the time, not once in a while.

Though i wouldn't change anything for a minute, as far as the past and getting fat and being fat..... the things i have learned and the enjoyment i have experience..... my friends were all getting chased down like 2$ whores (no offence to anyone at all) and the guys and I were playing pool, having beers, going for drives and just talking to me.... i wasn't some hoochy or peice of tail, i was a friend..... there was no ulterior motive... i couldn't be friends with half the guys i am friends with, or even learn half the stuff i know now if I hadn't been the funny fat chick. ( the shit they say about you pretty little ones when you aren't around is hilarious). The other thing i always noticed... when you are fat you get looked at COMPLETELY different by people who are not, they talk different around you.... like the above mentioned terms of desciption i never heard "bigger" till i got fat.... never once to describe ANYONE; then all of a sudden it wasn't look at the fat chick; it was looking at the "bigger" girl. I became an alien... and the ones who have great bodies going on about being fat (i could kick you) and walking into stores like in halifax the other day i was buying clothes for kel for her birthday (she is a size small in the crazy nazi small stores) and the sales girl asked me if i wanted to try on the clothes like i could get a finger in half the fucking clothes too funny. I used to love Le Chateau but after i got fat and went in there shopping with some friends and the gay sales guy gave me a look and asked if i was lost..... FUCKING FUCKER if it wouldn't have been thought of as gay-bashing (which i am TOTALLY against) i would have beat his fucking head off every wall in the building and shoved a mannakin up his ass!

But back on topic..... i want to tone up slim down and kick some serious ass..... i want to strut like i used to (cause i still have a wee bit of a limp) i want to run full tilt for longer than a min or two, i want to wear a two peice and KNOW that i look damn FINE....... because society is a bitch and i have to be a part of it so i may as well look killer doing it! and it will be done my way. OKAY! I am giving myself lots of time... i mean i gained 100 (yes one hundred) pounds after the accident and have already lost about 30-40 of it only 60 left to go.

Oh and next weekend, Thanksgiving, i can't wait till someone mentions my weight cause i will lay into them like nobodys business; so someone had better start praying for that mofo..... cause family really is the harshest critics. they get me everytime!!

Okay the biggest challenge ahead (though the above is going to be the longest part) SMOKING!

It has been trials and tribulations quitting. I have done it before and can do it again this time for good..... no matter what happens (and believe me something always DOES).

Sunday is my birthday and for me it is my "new years resolution" day.... i have been wanting to under-go some major changes like eating healthier and working out well that needs to start with quitting the damn smoking cause really it's GROSS, i do NOT want to have yellow teeth and fingers, wrinkles, bad smell, bad breath.... enough is enough and i am DONE. I am going to smoke like a fiend all weekend. Come SUNDAY NO MORE! at all no cheating, no patch, no zyban (cause does that ever mess with the head), no gum, nothing, just me being the stubborn pig-headed bitch i am! it's over....... and some of you may say jamie has said this before and you know what: i have and don't care don't care don't care...... cause this time it's me alone, (kel if you want to quit with me all the power to you) i am doing this shit up and i am doing it up the way i want to! on my own terms with nothing to prove to anyone....... and omg can i ramble and rant when i want to!

so theres the deal. i have been saying the winds of change are a blowing and here it comes baby so word to the wise...... be nice to me for the next little while or i may just knock your head clean off your shoulders........

BTW- side note spell checker is broken and i am tired and my back hurts..... so deal with the typos for today! Thanks again for reading my drivel............... whoever you are..........

I have lots of fun links............ and everyone is blogging........... well starting..,..... but people you gotta UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE! I am excited more blogs to feed my addiction.......... I love HANGING CALLS AND VTO!

Good nite!