Monday, September 29, 2003
So Jamie wanted to talk.............
Yes that's right folks, the girl that pretends everything is okay............ and always puts her friends probs first....... well she wanted to chat, quite possibly cry, and maybe scream just little tonight......... but............. the thing is, no one wanted to listen.......... which is fine.......... well no it isn't, but it is understandable........ cause I don't drop very large hints and have to be practically prodded with a big stick to really open up cause normally I say I want to talk and I do the same thing I usually do, I make something up, or play something up, or just change the subject repeatedly (which I do quite well mind you). It's funny how I tease Kelly about her man troubles but she is right; some things that bother some people don't phase others, like my friend Tracey and her constant concern about what others think..... I really cannot relate at all...... yet maybe that's why I don't want to talk about my things I don't think they measure up to what everyone else is dealing with most days.
Three people offered to listen to me, one I no longer trust at all for obvious reasons, though the offer was appreciated I couldn't really take it too seriously, the "boy offered..... But hey I can't talk to the boy about my craziness, seriously I think sometimes he forgets he IS the "boy" and I do too and begin to go off on a tangent....... I don't know the boy quite well enough just yet to let him have full access to my tangents (cause to be quite frank they are hilarious when I get rolling).
The last was old faithful........ the one friend I can always turn to and never have to explain myself to, the one person I will call drunk, in tears (and VICE VERSA LOL) and not feel like a complete idiot (though that rarely happens, the tears, i am always a complete idiot!) the one friend who could really know everything about me, but is smart enough not to ask. Now you know how much I love you, and how sad I am that you are so far away....... it's great how we can call each other down to the lowest and go out for coffee ten minutes later (we need time to cool cause we both have hot tempers and are quite good at pissing the other off). We chatted this evening and I never even had to explain anything..... you let me do my thing and ramble about nothingness, but I know when I call you and need to be yelled at or cried with, you'll be there. (Which by the way for those of you who do not know, I could have my teeth kicked in and not flinch, but if I get pissed, angry, sad, or frustrated I CRY...... and I never am ashamed of it, it's who I am).
I had a lot of time to reflect on things this weekend...... this time of year is hard for me, the anniversary of the worst night of my entire night is thanksgiving weekend...... and I still don't know how I will handle that..... My birthday is quickly approaching and here I am...... in Cape Breton..... and I am still not sure why....... though I have decided that my job is literally sucking the brain out of my skull........... Melting......Melting........... I am becoming an idiot and I HATE it. I am going to start reading more, learning things....... I try to do things like that at work but then I get caught up in the drama and loose myself to it again...... Damn short attention span and crappy friends that actually want to chat to me LOL. ( though may not after this beautiful post..........) and Tanya will be home tomorrow and I am excited...... someone who on some levels understands me, and will be awake at this hour....... oh how I love our sleeping habits....... and you are going to love your birthday present, though I think Kelly will love her's even more........... oh it might be better than Christmas...... Oh and divine Davinna I already bought part of yours and who else has a birthday coming soon, ohhhhhh and........ Yea.................... I love buying things for people, and now VTO is being offered again my sanity may return....... my job isn't stressful and I do like it most days....... but it is.............. not stimulating anymore.......... I have gone as far as it can take me....... I accomplished what I needed......... hrmm maybe I will go on pogey till January and go to school...... Oh and I found an apartment........... and OMG................ do I ever shut up.......... (did anyone else notice how I went in several different directions and never actually said what the fuck is bothering me, I'm good aren't I......... No no I am not.......... I can't hide anything I need to practice my lying and faking skills more.................) Who knows maybe it's the storm..... maybe that's why I am all retarded!
Three people offered to listen to me, one I no longer trust at all for obvious reasons, though the offer was appreciated I couldn't really take it too seriously, the "boy offered..... But hey I can't talk to the boy about my craziness, seriously I think sometimes he forgets he IS the "boy" and I do too and begin to go off on a tangent....... I don't know the boy quite well enough just yet to let him have full access to my tangents (cause to be quite frank they are hilarious when I get rolling).
The last was old faithful........ the one friend I can always turn to and never have to explain myself to, the one person I will call drunk, in tears (and VICE VERSA LOL) and not feel like a complete idiot (though that rarely happens, the tears, i am always a complete idiot!) the one friend who could really know everything about me, but is smart enough not to ask. Now you know how much I love you, and how sad I am that you are so far away....... it's great how we can call each other down to the lowest and go out for coffee ten minutes later (we need time to cool cause we both have hot tempers and are quite good at pissing the other off). We chatted this evening and I never even had to explain anything..... you let me do my thing and ramble about nothingness, but I know when I call you and need to be yelled at or cried with, you'll be there. (Which by the way for those of you who do not know, I could have my teeth kicked in and not flinch, but if I get pissed, angry, sad, or frustrated I CRY...... and I never am ashamed of it, it's who I am).
I had a lot of time to reflect on things this weekend...... this time of year is hard for me, the anniversary of the worst night of my entire night is thanksgiving weekend...... and I still don't know how I will handle that..... My birthday is quickly approaching and here I am...... in Cape Breton..... and I am still not sure why....... though I have decided that my job is literally sucking the brain out of my skull........... Melting......Melting........... I am becoming an idiot and I HATE it. I am going to start reading more, learning things....... I try to do things like that at work but then I get caught up in the drama and loose myself to it again...... Damn short attention span and crappy friends that actually want to chat to me LOL. ( though may not after this beautiful post..........) and Tanya will be home tomorrow and I am excited...... someone who on some levels understands me, and will be awake at this hour....... oh how I love our sleeping habits....... and you are going to love your birthday present, though I think Kelly will love her's even more........... oh it might be better than Christmas...... Oh and divine Davinna I already bought part of yours and who else has a birthday coming soon, ohhhhhh and........ Yea.................... I love buying things for people, and now VTO is being offered again my sanity may return....... my job isn't stressful and I do like it most days....... but it is.............. not stimulating anymore.......... I have gone as far as it can take me....... I accomplished what I needed......... hrmm maybe I will go on pogey till January and go to school...... Oh and I found an apartment........... and OMG................ do I ever shut up.......... (did anyone else notice how I went in several different directions and never actually said what the fuck is bothering me, I'm good aren't I......... No no I am not.......... I can't hide anything I need to practice my lying and faking skills more.................) Who knows maybe it's the storm..... maybe that's why I am all retarded!
