Monday, September 08, 2003
My "Voice"
Does anyone else have a monologue running in their head constantly, narrating your life? With all the lovely tones, and inflections in it's voice, and sometimes it is louder than others: like sitting quietly in church and wondering with all your might what would happen if you stood up in the middle of everyone and screamed till you passed out? (the only thing holding you back is your a: mother b: grandmother ). Or the urge to jump when standing on a balcony (not that you are feeling suicidal) but you imagine the free feeling of just falling. The voice that during sex makes you think if I tell this guy to move just a smidge to the right will he be offended? The same voice asking you was this guy really worth the next month of wondering if he knocked you up, or gave you "something" or will tell someone all the inappropriate details? This voice makes you want to cry when you are drunk, thinking of all your drinking buddies elsewhere's, or the one's "no longer with us". It makes you remember some of the best/worst moments on your life when you are driving around and a certain song comes on or you pass by a familiar place. This voice sometimes haunts my dreams and interrupts my concentration, it makes me want to scream, cry and laugh (sometimes all three at the same time).
This voice sometimes makes me wonder what is behind me on a dark path, or in the shadows in the closet, though this voice also kept me calm when I found out one night in my room that sometimes the shadows in the closet are NOT just shadows, and again when I had many more of those experiences. It kept my mouth shut when I desperately wanted to call my mother a bitch and tell her exactly how much I hated her when I was a bratty teenager. That voice reassured me lying in a ditch with my brother not breathing next to me, it kept calm enough to tell the police how to contact my mother. When I was flat on my back numerous times either in the hospital or rehab that voice kept me busy with wild (sometimes drug-induced) thoughts. When I doubted myself about trips or moving, or thought that I was too fat and ugly, it explained to me that I had the strength and "balls" to do whatever I wanted because my parents gave me everything I needed to do anything. That voice has kept me alive and sane through some of the most heart-wrenching and grueling periods of my life.
Some of you may think I am schizo (LOL) and I am not the least bit concerned about what you think (or what that silly doctor said LOL) but I think we all need that little voice, maybe it's my conscience, maybe it's my morals, maybe intuition, or I am schizophrenic, or I am haunted, maybe it's my crazy mind.
I lost my train of thought, damn customers that my voice is telling me to hang up on but my brain is saying we are still in QUEUE and to wait till he is fixed so I don't have to stay here any longer.
This voice sometimes makes me wonder what is behind me on a dark path, or in the shadows in the closet, though this voice also kept me calm when I found out one night in my room that sometimes the shadows in the closet are NOT just shadows, and again when I had many more of those experiences. It kept my mouth shut when I desperately wanted to call my mother a bitch and tell her exactly how much I hated her when I was a bratty teenager. That voice reassured me lying in a ditch with my brother not breathing next to me, it kept calm enough to tell the police how to contact my mother. When I was flat on my back numerous times either in the hospital or rehab that voice kept me busy with wild (sometimes drug-induced) thoughts. When I doubted myself about trips or moving, or thought that I was too fat and ugly, it explained to me that I had the strength and "balls" to do whatever I wanted because my parents gave me everything I needed to do anything. That voice has kept me alive and sane through some of the most heart-wrenching and grueling periods of my life.
Some of you may think I am schizo (LOL) and I am not the least bit concerned about what you think (or what that silly doctor said LOL) but I think we all need that little voice, maybe it's my conscience, maybe it's my morals, maybe intuition, or I am schizophrenic, or I am haunted, maybe it's my crazy mind.
I lost my train of thought, damn customers that my voice is telling me to hang up on but my brain is saying we are still in QUEUE and to wait till he is fixed so I don't have to stay here any longer.
