WELCOME TO THE JAMIE SHOW!

Where to begin..... Tanya is home, my dark hair vixen........ how I missed you and am glad you enjoyed your time away how jealous am I..... I went to Halifax and you met (slept hehehe) with a marine..... and the part in bracketts is a joke between me and tanya and if anyone thought anything "sexual" happened you are retarded and that was not what i meant to convey!

I am going to England in April with one of my favorite people on the planet (and I do mean YOU), that same person is coming for a visit in October... and i am so gosh darn excited (well actually i am FUCKING EXCITED!) though sadly enough not in time for my birthday...... which really may just pass by........ (which shhhhhhh I will cry about because I do so love BIRTHDAYS) and i cannot wait....i wish you could be here for halloween.. though i think erica and i may dress as typical workers from stream on the thursday ( you know black our teeth out, side ways ponytails, jogging pants and rubber boot to our shoulders!)

Kelly and I had our first "tiff" this evening and it was rather amusing cause I just taunted her till she explained herself and things are better.......... I think we should do it more often....... the funny thing is normally it is just because of snide remarks we each make on messenger as jokes and then one of us takes it the wrong way (we are sometimes typical females you know as sad as it is to say).

Other exciting things that happened......... well birthdays, birthdays, birthdays........... it is going to be a hard month on my liver and pay cheques hunnies cause we are hitting the town (kel you picked a bad month to decide to stop going out)!

Kiddo is out of the hospital and just as screwy as his sister...... He is off work for the next four to six weeks the bastard, and is missing the insane amount of comments on shanes blog........... I am supposed to babysit him tomorrow till mom and dad get home.... hehehe poor him...........

Did I mention I am going to ENGLAND! Oh a brand spanking new continent for me to unleash my chaos upon. It is going to be amazing supposing we only get to sleep in the airport, and I am going to use my Saskatchewan, New Brunswick, Caper Breton, Canadian French accents in regular intervals just to mess with their heads, and knowing my crazy talent for picking up accents quickly.... I may annoy y'all when I get back now ya hear...........

And for those who love to mock me and my retarded misfortunes............... My headlights died on the way home tonight, in the pouring rain, late and dark it was on the way to the bridge..... so i called my mom to come pick me up at the closest garage........ she sent my dad LOL but i got home safely with some good company.... though my baby is alone in the storm and i hope she is ok.............

Megs I am soooooooo scared right now............. i hope you are okay............ maybe i should have stayed........... call me when you can......... or read this craziness................ (you'll have to leave a message cause my phone charger...... hehehe i forgot it at your place) But seriously I am worried about you hunny............

Yes that's right folks, the girl that pretends everything is okay............ and always puts her friends probs first....... well she wanted to chat, quite possibly cry, and maybe scream just little tonight......... but............. the thing is, no one wanted to listen.......... which is fine.......... well no it isn't, but it is understandable........ cause I don't drop very large hints and have to be practically prodded with a big stick to really open up cause normally I say I want to talk and I do the same thing I usually do, I make something up, or play something up, or just change the subject repeatedly (which I do quite well mind you). It's funny how I tease Kelly about her man troubles but she is right; some things that bother some people don't phase others, like my friend Tracey and her constant concern about what others think..... I really cannot relate at all...... yet maybe that's why I don't want to talk about my things I don't think they measure up to what everyone else is dealing with most days.

Three people offered to listen to me, one I no longer trust at all for obvious reasons, though the offer was appreciated I couldn't really take it too seriously, the "boy offered..... But hey I can't talk to the boy about my craziness, seriously I think sometimes he forgets he IS the "boy" and I do too and begin to go off on a tangent....... I don't know the boy quite well enough just yet to let him have full access to my tangents (cause to be quite frank they are hilarious when I get rolling).

The last was old faithful........ the one friend I can always turn to and never have to explain myself to, the one person I will call drunk, in tears (and VICE VERSA LOL) and not feel like a complete idiot (though that rarely happens, the tears, i am always a complete idiot!) the one friend who could really know everything about me, but is smart enough not to ask. Now you know how much I love you, and how sad I am that you are so far away....... it's great how we can call each other down to the lowest and go out for coffee ten minutes later (we need time to cool cause we both have hot tempers and are quite good at pissing the other off). We chatted this evening and I never even had to explain anything..... you let me do my thing and ramble about nothingness, but I know when I call you and need to be yelled at or cried with, you'll be there. (Which by the way for those of you who do not know, I could have my teeth kicked in and not flinch, but if I get pissed, angry, sad, or frustrated I CRY...... and I never am ashamed of it, it's who I am).

I had a lot of time to reflect on things this weekend...... this time of year is hard for me, the anniversary of the worst night of my entire night is thanksgiving weekend...... and I still don't know how I will handle that..... My birthday is quickly approaching and here I am...... in Cape Breton..... and I am still not sure why....... though I have decided that my job is literally sucking the brain out of my skull........... Melting......Melting........... I am becoming an idiot and I HATE it. I am going to start reading more, learning things....... I try to do things like that at work but then I get caught up in the drama and loose myself to it again...... Damn short attention span and crappy friends that actually want to chat to me LOL. ( though may not after this beautiful post..........) and Tanya will be home tomorrow and I am excited...... someone who on some levels understands me, and will be awake at this hour....... oh how I love our sleeping habits....... and you are going to love your birthday present, though I think Kelly will love her's even more........... oh it might be better than Christmas...... Oh and divine Davinna I already bought part of yours and who else has a birthday coming soon, ohhhhhh and........ Yea.................... I love buying things for people, and now VTO is being offered again my sanity may return....... my job isn't stressful and I do like it most days....... but it is.............. not stimulating anymore.......... I have gone as far as it can take me....... I accomplished what I needed......... hrmm maybe I will go on pogey till January and go to school...... Oh and I found an apartment........... and OMG................ do I ever shut up.......... (did anyone else notice how I went in several different directions and never actually said what the fuck is bothering me, I'm good aren't I......... No no I am not.......... I can't hide anything I need to practice my lying and faking skills more.................) Who knows maybe it's the storm..... maybe that's why I am all retarded!

I have returned from my trip away with soem pretty great presents too bad i have to wait another few weeks to give them out!

So yea, i just got back from the bar, seen some very good looking men, got my ass felt by a rather attractive black man, who if he had danced with me wouldn;'t have been so bad except he grabbed my ass. I am down though soooooo down, some of my friends can't understand that........ they expect me to be "ON" all the time, sometimes i just need to be me and i can't always smile and pretend i amm sorry but sometimes i just need to be alone and deal with life........ i qam not as put together as i like to let everyone to believe, though i can pretend quite well. I even let a few people see some cracks in the glass every once in a while and i really shouldn't post this.... but i will to let you all kinda know (unknowingly) that sometimes i really do just want to scream at the top of my lungs, and crawl under my desk and cry........ sometimes i can't laugh at the dumb jokes, and listen to everyone else's probs without it really affecting me, i worry about you guys each and every one of you, i have a lot of love and compassion for all of you......... I want you to all be happy and as crazy as it sounds it makes me happy to know that you are all okay........ i need to bring people fudgsicles when they are sick, or hug them when they cry, or yell at the dumb boy who doesn't realuze how special they are. I feel guilty when my baby brother is in the hospital and i am dancing at the dome ( that's right babe i went without you). I worry when you pass out while getting your tat, or when you have an episode and try and hide it from me....... i worry when you lie and say you are over soemone and are ready to move on and really you still have jealousy......... i even worry about peopel who have hurt me and are in over their heads in stupid things.......... i don't know where i was going with this or what i was trying to ecxpress and i am going to post this shit anyway please do not try and make sense of it allllllllllllllll cause i am retardded and better left alone!

So in case no one noticed I am a very spontaneous person...... one minute I was
having a great time in my adventure away, the next I find out that I minor injury that
my brother sustained now is serious and requires surgery. Another one of my friends should have had me around last night to be the defender of what is right and good and instead I was being pulled over by the cops. I can't help but feel quite guilty now, though even though all of this has happened here I sit typing my blog while watching 24 hour party people a movie about the guy who signed such great bands as new order, sex pistols and someone else but in my crazy thoughts I forgot the name...... it is set in London in the late 70's early 80's. Which is interesting cause I got an email today requesting my presence in London in April...... for 710$ Canadian I could fly there round trip but the catch is the ticket must be purchased before Oct 2nd.... I had been thinking about where I would stay what would I do, and what if I meet my Scottish lad...... but you know what.....fuck it I am going.... the thought of ness actually leaving town for a while and going all the way across the ocean.... well that is too much of an adventure to pass up...... I guess I should pop into the bank on Monday and figure this all out.

I decided against the piercing...... I am going to spend the 120$ on birthday presents for friends instead cause it is so much more fulfilling. My birthdays is soon approaching and I think that is why I have been so reflective, and confused about my life...... I was a little down about it because I have enjoyed being 21 but since it has been 11 years since I have been a double number well I may as well enjoy 22 right. You know I find myself going on a tangent about absolutely nothing and never really writting what I really want to say......

tomorrow is going to be hazardous to my bank account....... this city is hazardous to my bank account....... I am staying in an apartment with a gorgeous view of the city and harbor and I rather enjoy it all.

totally off in another direction does anyone else love how the word fuck is pronouced using different languages and accents...... and I almost bought a corset top tonight, but I was still going to get my nips pierced at the time.... then had a convo with megs and the idea of puss oozing from them just disgusts me more by the moment....... I have a friend who had her's done in June and stuff is still oozing...... ICK! I can't do that to my boobs, they have been too good to me for that.

someday before I turn thirty I will dance like ago-go dancer on a table in a glittery bikini and will have the body to make men faint in heat and I will relish in it...... but for today I will enjoy my body just the way it is...... with every scar and curve because it is mine and I rather enjoy it............. how many chicks can honestly say that........

So I am going away for the next few days...... and I just wanted to point out a few
things to you crazy folks that read this thing I have added a few new links, I have
been noticing that you cannot scroll down the entire way when you first open the
page and I think that is from me (an complete and utter idiot) fooling around with
links and code when I really shouldn’t be. My brother and Kelly have both started
new blogs, and if you guys all thought I was weird hehehehe check them out.

Now for those of you who are a little sensitive or related to me beware this is not
for your eyes....if you are still reading you cannot mention this ever to anyone
cause again read the disclaimer on the side......... if you are continuing to read this
don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So I am going to start this off looking like a normal everyday sentence write I am
just going to blather away for a minute about absolutely nothing... okay maybe
they have all become bored and stopped reading so I am getting my nipple(s)
pierced in Halifax this weekend I think, I haven’t decided if I should do one or
both and if only one; which one. It has been an idea I have been
contemplating for a while.. a new piercing and well my nipples, well my
breasts themselves have always been a conversation piece due to their
abnormally small size... and they continue to grow smaller by the day,
which I had planned on buying knew bras this weekend as well because I
killed yet another one the other night, I actually popped the wire out of yet
another stupid bra. damn things......... anyway I may go and get something
completely different done..... like I dunno... a few friends have theirs done
and I have been asking them about it... though the idea of gross gooey stuff
coming out of my breast makes me cringe immensely..... I rather enjoy the
monstrosity that is my chest, and to have yucky gross stuff coming from
them makes me ill, what if it stains my shirts, or worse, what if it looks like
they are leaking, that would be fun to explain at work. Or worse what if I go
through all that trouble of getting them done forking over the 60$ per nip
and they reject (grow out of your body) because one of my eyebrow rings
did do that so I have actually had my eye-brow pierced 3 times in total
because I have two peircings in it right now. What if someone bumps into
me? I mean they already get (accidentally) “touched” (groped) by people
walking by who get a little too close and brush against them; won’t it be
mega worse with something extra tender that sticks out a weeeee bit from
my body........... see most of the people who are saying go for it...... well they
have no idea what it is like to have what I do stuck to the front of their
body....... I mean seriously if I get forced to actually buy a bra that fits; it may
crack my bank account. I may end up crying in the sears dressing room,
(cause it and pennington’s are the only places that sells bras in the size i
need, la senza girls faint when I mention “my cup size”). Oh god it really
has come down to a rant about my breasts....... I am talking about my
BOOBS........ what has become of me.... I am going to post this like
everything else....... but I really shouldn’t and btw..... if you did read this, and
I did do it, and you ask in a disgusting manner to see them, I will knock you
out regardless of where we are and who is around (and YES that does me
YOU). AND most importantly if I decide against it, for financial reasons or
otherwise, do not yell at me about it, until you have at least ten piercings in
your body you do not have any right to talk to me about getting pierced......
and for the 100th time I do NOT want any TATS! I am running away fro the
weekend...... i may not come back....... should be interesting.........

yes i have internet..thank god..as soon as i got it i felt like cryin..no really i did...cowboy had to hold me for a minute..lol...

So i'm not going to sit here and waste my time tellin you all about my problems cause i really don't have any..jamie likes to make fun of me cause of my issue...1 too many guys want to sleep with me!!!!!...jamie thinks it is soooo funny..not me i think it is an issue..jamie stop laughin at me:) hahahaha

cory your a god....i was shocked when i turned my computer on..like thanks so much...i wish i knew how to thank you for what you did......but i can't...you are so wonderful..and i hate ya for it:)

yesterday was dales b-day..hahaha...i got him a blow up chair that he showed everyone..and called people to tell them what i got him.......lol...i love my boys:) i told dale before we went on his drunk to be carful and not to start a fight and not to do anything stupid....jamie and i pull in last night at like 3 somthing and dale, vrnda, mackie, old dog, cow get out of a cab...just as i was about to scream INTERNET though the car window..heheh..i really was.....and they are all drunk..a few seconds of conversation and we have dale on rollerblades...mackie sitting in my sons wagon..and cow pushing mackie down the road in it really fast....up over the curb he went....lol..it was so funny i thought i was going to piss my paants..i had to sit on the ground..like it wasn't bad enough i ws in pj's and a blanket around me for the drive:) so cow and mackie do it again...lol..i cound't take it..so i gave mackie a hug..and ran in side..oh yeah to the internet i went baby....so me cow and jamie sitting in front and i'm near tears with what i see and i don't know what to do..i'm up for a minute and jamie is all over it...BLOG....lol...tis her life...when i told her i will check them all out later or tomorrow..she had a face of shock..lol..not really but that would have been funny..well back to being a mother again.....you all have like the greatest day..and please smile..tis good for ya

So you all can look forward to more posting from the wonderfully interesting kelly! Tanya will be gone for the next few days and I am going to miss my night owl... it's great to have a friend with the same sleeping habits as me! Aileen darling, who the fuck is engaged? CALL ME! I am going to disappear this weekend, and will have sidekicks... can't be good Jamie alone for a few hours is never good.... I may just decide to move again! I chatted with the "boy" tonight and he helped with some beautiful words of wisdom, I was in a bit of a slump.... the winds of change are a blowing I may even have normal hair again but I reallu MUST quit smoking (Sean you know one of these days I am going to turn to you and actually have quit lol... but at least you know better than to hold your breath waiting!) Shane cheer up life goes on, and you have been missing out on it long enough..... Tracey i know you are going to be on the MIA list for the next little while and will be sorely missed so i will be by to annoy you! Megs... I am coming come hell or high water.. Ness do come visit PLEASE~! Shannon, we must get together... you have been my source of extreme entertainment the last few days keep writting! Cory I love that you hooked up the net.. Davinna you owe me a trip to "The pit", so I can make fun of Curtis. I have been watching the visits to this site and am beginning to wonder who all the crazies are that are reading my drivel. Anyway Kelly is off to bed and i must find a place to lay my head........ Take care all and for those of you who i haven't told this to lately...... I LOVE you guys!

I was up till 6:30 am this morning after having a lovely conversation with a dear friend......... and comforting another........then I went in search of a bed to crawl into......... I could have even climbed into one with company last night........ but took the road less travel and went to a friends and climb into bed and actually went to sleep........ after only tossing and turning a bit..... surprised was I. I actually crawled out of bed at 5 to one (under my own personal willpower I might add) grabbed a quick shower and went in search of the friend who I had stayed up with most of the early morning hours....... We are supposed to be heading to Sydney and here it is over an hour after I crawled out of bed and I am waiting for the room to stop spinning for her...... I made some pretty harsh decisions yesterday and now I beginning to think about what effect these will actually have on me.......... Though yesterday was quite rejuventating, sometimes I have a habit of thinking I am completely alone in my thinking and feelings and then I share a conversation or a look or even have a "chat" and realize someone else understands (even the ones who you think you have figured out).......... I do know the meaning of the expression being completely alone in a crowd........... but it's a good thing I am my own best friend and worst enemy cause it keeps me entertained.............

When I wrote the blog about my car accident, I sent out an email to most of my friends and family, cause I wanted a lot of them to understand where I was coming from when it all happened. What I was thinking and feeling because a lot of people asked about it, well I sent it to my Aunt D****........ who is quite religious and I love to death, but she doesn't agree with a lot of the things I do and say............. and I hope she loves me in spite of it.............. though when I sent it to my mother (who I wasn't too concerned about reading my blog in it's entirety cause my mom knows I am not a saint, and I don't lie or hide ANYTHING from her, sometimes I hide a few things from my dad for his own sanity). So yea when I sent it to her and my mom I said please only read the one entry, it turns out not everyone listens to my instructions as clearly as I thought they would and NOW I am scared to go home for thanksgiving............ because in my family; gossip spreads like wild-fire and it is super easy to offend... and I have always been the black sheep............. being the oldest of all the grandchildren; a smoker with multiple piercings and funky colored hair who hides NONE of my adventures or faults......... plus my grandma and I have a pretty good relationship............ or at least we did........... as much as I truly love my Aunt dearly I hope she keeps her new-found knowledge to herself............. I never claimed to be perfect or innocent.... not that their is anything terribly shocking in my blog and now for sure there won't be........ maybe I should start a new thing..... my own fault everything went to shit.... Wait no.. Aunt D**** I am going to trust you, and hope you will understand me instead of criticize me. I know you won't "understand" me but accept this if you are going to read it... well there is a disclaimer on the side, and I am going to pretend that I do not know that you read this.......... I know you were not innocent at my age..... because no one really is............ Or maybe I will just stop blogging all together I feel violated...........

Okay so here it is Saturday night, and I am at work............... why am I at work you may ask......... I am not a 100% percent sure... it's a rather long and boring story which does not need to be explain. I worked from 9 pm to 1 am (or later depending). I had two supervisors running around trying to get me out of here sooner and no such luck, I took a total of three calls, and wrote a bunch of email to some people who are lingual challenged when it comes to English. Though I left a few for you Davinna! So yea, here I sit at my desk hitting the ready release a few times to avoid getting a call. We are heading to HERMANS for some hard-core dancing with Kelly, supposed to be meeting Davinna and Cory because it's Jaclyn's birthday........... I was supposed to go see Erica at the work function tonight as well, and she might just hate me for not showing up. I have discovered more secret identities at work, and some of which are better left alone methinks.

Well here's to another alcohol free evening of dancing and laughter.......... maybe I'll even meet a cute boy.

Here it is once again 5 am and i sit alone in front of the puter, wishing someone was awake on messenger to chat with......... it was a long and pretty uneventful evening for MOST of us. I went for a swim, had a lovely walk on the beach, contemplated my life, had no big revelations......... some small ones perhaps, and giggled like a fool; because here it is September and me and most of my friends have become boy-crazed......... I work in a rather large building filled with a lot of males (since it is a technical support work environment most of them are pretty in-ept with social interaction LOL), a lot of these so-called "boys" are pretty gosh-darn cute. This sometimes leads my job in the strangest directions......... having some of them catch my eye and I forget what i was just telling the poor client on the telephone. Ohhhh (hehehe) a girl who sits in close proximity to me and I were discussing the other day how some "boys" are not too noticeable at first and then you start to see them on a regular basis and get to "know" them per say and realize hey! he is rather attractive........ or start to develop a "work" crush...... ahhhh yes the work crush.......... you know a man with power (roar)...... suddenly is a bit more attractive....... some of us have had some pretty interesting dreams about our GM's. Anyway where was i going with this, ah yes.... work crush. i have a few, like the guy who I chat with on messenger (not that i would use messenger at work cause it is against company policy) who has GREAT eyes and a even GREATER ass........ and a girlfriend.... but gee whiz.. do i enjoy chatting it up with him! and the yummy hottie who cut his hair that I see outside every once in a while. Who I run away frfom when he tries to speak anywhere near me in case it may spoil my "fantasy" of him being an exotic creature; or the sweet innocent ones fresh from training with the "I haven't been tainted by my job" look in their eyes. Of course let us not forget the ones who have been their for a while who you thought they were so good-looking from a distance and then meet them and they end up being more like a brother to you ( or you hook them up with one of your friends). Now mind you the guys on a SUPER power trip IRRITATE the HELL out of me......... like "i can make your already sometimes stressful job a gazillion times worse by walking over and yelling at you" during the most inappropriate times. Or you could end up liking the "BOY" who works with you and you wonder if it's too inappropriate to persue anything in any way, shape, or form.... because really you do not want to be that chick that slept her way to the top( not that I meant that we had "slept" together for those of you who mis- interpt what i was trying to say)........... (though in all seriousness i would have to start a little higher, perhaps in management since the turn around rate where i work is ridiculous..... seriously).

I am beginning to wonder if it is because of the cold weather coming that we have all been a little more boy-crazed than usual....... you know a nice warm guy to have on those lonely cold nights.........

I have been avoiding the "relationship" crap for quite a while...... I enjoy the dating thing much more........ getting to actually know someone before you form any kind of commitment......call me crazy. though one of my friends suggested i just find a "fuck friend" (that rides a motorcycle apparently i would look good on the back of a bike like i don't have enough lesbians already hitting on ME!)......... which would be a novel idea; but everytime i met someone on strictly physical level it turns into "i love you and can't live without you" and then i end up moving to get away from them!

Not to sure where I was going with this one.......... maybe i should stop writting these things just as i am ready to climb into bed................ nawwwwwwww it makes for an interesting read when i wake up tommorow afternoon........... Take care folks......... and remember boys are supposed to make you a little crazy every once in a while......... hell we do it to them enough!

life is good life is great so have yourself a piece of cake

bars bars and more bars...as i go day to day..TRYIN to find a man...hahaha yeah right..i just say that...love to dance..hahahah...ya can tell i hang out with jamie..dot dot dot lady lol..hehehe
so last night we had cory and tony and james up on the dance floor..nice boys nice..shake dat ass..lol..and yes my dear YOUNG jamie.....who would leave me on the dance floor with da boys...thanks girls thanks...
i'm happy..did not sleep in the back of a car..had BURGER KING..thanks james...and a wonderful phone call at the end of the night to top it all off....plus my dear old friend timmy..who has just turned 19 and would not dance,,,just sat on the side line and watched....must have been a good show
well yeah whatever people...just bored thought i would update this ...hehehe...jamie should be right behind me with hers
enjoy people and get drunk tonight...CAUSE I"M DRIVIN!~!~!~!~!~!~!

Bored at work, was using Broad at Bat's random blogger thingy came across a blog with these links so I took the quizzes and it was amusing........... for a minute............... anyway... i will edit this more later..... check out new things they are fun!

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So my cousin is coming down for a visit in October.........she was supposed to come for my birthday but will be unable to make it (which is good because i really do not want to turn 22 I rather enjoy being 21 but i LOVE birthdays),My cousin is one of the few people in my family who understands me, so instead she is coming for Halloween and i am more excited than a kid a christmas. I LOVE Halloween.......... i get to dress up and act like a fool i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited! I want to know all about any balls, dances or parties going on...... cause i plan on going full tilt all weekend! I don't have to work for the next three days........ i have no plans....... was going to go home but i think i will play Jamie the Defender of what is Right and Good................. it kinda suits me.............. Should be interesting............

Maybe I will just have my nervous break-down, totally re-evaluate my entire life, and plan a trip to a brand new destination, been to Mexico, the US, most of Canada, can't go to Europe just yet, goignto live in New Zealand for a year so scratch that.............. hrmm........... suggestions............ AND NO! NOT ALASKA! somewhere nice........... and going to Jamaica next January and I can bring guests! hehehehe...................

You know it never fails, every single time I am on the edge of a complete nervous break-down, someone else's shit hits the fan.......... It's great......lol.............. I know that sounds ridiculous to most of you, but to me.. Jamie - Chief councilor, Psychologist and Psycho-analyst to most (if not all) of my friends and some of my family. I have played relationship councilor to more people than I can count, (and I SUCK at relationships). I can call a friend on the brink of tears and end up holding them back to tell her she is a great person and that guy that used her for sex really did care about her feelings. I have called friends to chat in the middle of the night and ended up listening to all of their problems.

Now this is not a complaint because man, it does wonders for my sanity.... my friend and I (who is dealing with a shit-load of problems right now) were discussing the benefits of hearing everyone else's concerns and "issues". You have to put your feelings and thoughts aside for a while and deal with something bigger than you........ sometimes I have nothing to give: no advice, no comments, nothing to relate, and sometimes I get upset and tell whoever they are that they are perfect and anyone who doesn't like them for who they are can kiss their ass.

The thing that ALWAYS wigs me out.......... complete strangers telling me their life stories.... how their husband beats them, or father abused them, how they have a drug problem, or had an abortion............WTF........ how, what, where, when, I mean what the fuck do I say........ how does this happen....... do I have a trusting face.... kind eyes........ it's been happening to me since I was a kid.......... people tell me things that they've never told ANYONE........ and sometimes they are in my life for five minutes on a bus, or plane, sometimes my whole life.......... and it's interesting and I appreciate the fact that they trust me... sometimes it scares the hell out of me, other times I just go home and cry.......... a lot of it I cannot relate to........ some of it I can, most of it is totally left-field. And all of it I will take to the grave...... unless it endangers me or them.......... like if you are going to injure yourself I will do everything within my means to stop you! (including buying a plane ticket to butt-fuck Saskatchewan.)

Since Thursday at least one person a night has confided in me............. I have had some lovely chats, and look forward to more.......... for being so self-absorbed..........I am a pretty damn good listener!

Today was Jamie's emotional roller-coaster not sure if after-effects from the weekend's "female" bullshit ( I hate being a girl once a month except when on the needle maybe i should hurray up and find a family doctor). I read a friends blog and sat at my desk and cried, I laughed at another friends blog (ohhhh the drama has become comical....), I felt sorry for soemone else, I had the nervous jitters trying to word soemthing bizarre to someone else. Then the moment du jour... As per mentioned in a previosu blog....... the "boy" and i were chatting today and he said he was moving! Well i thought i was goign top fall out of my chair laughing (though pretended to remain calm) first "boy" (tanya i have been usign that expression far to mucha nd it is all your fault miss catears) that i tell I like in almost a year.......... and he says he's moving. Think it may have just been a mood he was in......... or if he's serious all the power to him............ hehehehe......... But if you look at it from my perpective I am scarring them away in droves........... either off to my "best" friend(s) or off the island. Hysterical! Let's see who else i can "like" off the island we could start our own version of survivor............... I am laughign to hard to type.


And on a side note............ Friday NIGHT: my boob got bit; i have the marks to prove it (you evil bitch), a gentleman made my night with an obscene comment ( i love you babe), someone got laid on friday night (lucky bitch),someone fell asleep in the back seat of a car (we took you for a drive), I drank a lot of beer and rye and never got sick (hurray for me), though i did almost cry, and someone did piss me off. Most of us shook our groove thing, some of us better than others.... someone shook my hand at least 12 times that night, one poor girl felt really old when she realized one of the girls that was there, she used to babysit. There were in total three Jamies at the party which caused a huge kerfuffel because apparently i abondaned a friend without ever moving an inch............. Last night was magic. Thanks babe for staying up and chatting with me till the sun came up. It was refreshing and I think i may be back in the loop.

Correct pour ceux de vous assez fute a la figure hors de la facon traduire ceci, felicitations.......... Je ne peux pas oublier mes points. J'ecris ceci en francais parce que tellement peu de gens de Breton de capre peuvent parler francais, la plupart d'entre vous peux lire plus que vous pouvez parler. Je sais ceci peux etre traduit litteralement. Je peux dois controle de charme ceci d'abord.

Tant de choses que je m'ai pense m'ont connu, et s'averent etaient exactes au sujet de. Je me sens ainsi ai embarrasse, dans ma chasse a blog (parce que je suis un fanatique) que j'ai commence a lire le blog de la mere du "garcon". Maintenant elle lit le mien et j'ai ecrit au sujet du garcon. Par consequent je dois penser avant que je parle. I etant une personne, qui doit exprimer la des pensees pour les organiser et pour realiser quoi faire avec elles, I "pin" loin pour des personnes loin a souvent..............

J'avais reporte la visite de mon docteur pendant des mois maintenant, je suis au-dessus d'une annee et de demi d'en retard pour le travail de sang. On me terrifie qui je suis diabetique.... ou plus mauvais que j'ai aussi le cancer, comme le reste de ma famille. Je fais se demander l'interieur toujours profond de dune si je vraiment mourrai des jeunes. Je sais trop parfois au sujet de la vie et des choses qui sont censees etre un mystere. La chute est ma saison preferee, mais egalement la periode la plus triste de l'annee. Certains des plus mauvais moments dans ma vie sont arrives pendant septembre a decembre.

Peut-etre je suis la petite fille idiote qu'i m'a toujours pense etait.......... peut-etre lui est l'heure pour moi de passer encore, pourtant quelque chose profondement à l'interieur de moi me dessine en arriere ici a maintes reprises......... N'importe ou je deplace l'ocean, le sable, les vagues, l'eau, le peuple....... je revenant pour plus!

I was 18 when I found out I was going to have a baby....the day my friend Kelly had her baby girl was the day I found out I was going to be next...18...wow...and not just that...I was going to have a baby with a guy who did alot of drugs...drank stole....and went to jail......but I loved him...I saw what was on the inside....I told my mom that I was going to have a baby...ya know what she said...get rid of it before it is too late...hahahaha no way...I don’t care if I was 15 never do that...but that’s just me.....

so I got to being 4 months along and not showing...not even a little tummy...people laughed at me...and made fun of me cause they said I was lying...about having a baby? ya have issues when you do that one.....so I went to the doctor had an ultrasound done and got a pic...took the pic and showed the world....TOLD YA......

so I was just over 6 1/2 months and I went to the hospital...I still had not put on weight...they checked me out and found out that there was no room in me for my child to grow...I was too small....so into the hospital I went...on bed rest in the glace bay hospital...I was allowed to go to the bathroom and back to my bed....and when it was time to decorate the halls for Christmas I did the tree....

I had an ultrasound...at this point I had one every 2 days...the baby would not turn..i had put on a bit of weight...but it was hard to tell...so off to the Sydney hospital I went.....for a week I had so many test done...that I couldn't take it anymore...no one would let me sleep...the kept telling me to eat this and eat that.....and yes...the tried to get me to eat cheese..and I said no:) cheese sux man!~!~!~!

DECEMBER 15th 2001
at 8:00 in the night I had a needle stuck in my back...I could not move my body from the neck down..all I could do was turn my head...with my boyfriend at my side...and our family’s out in the waiting room I waited for it to be over

8:35pm
I had a child...I didn't give birth..but I had a child..a beautiful 6lbs 1 ounce baby boy...my little Cole bryson...he was alot bigger then they thought... but I still could not hold him...I couldn’t move...for an hour by my self I laid in a room waiting to be able to move..as soon as my arms came back they took me into the N.I.C.U I could not touch my baby boy...he had a few problems...his lungs were still to small...and he came out addicted to caffeine...back then I still loved Pepsi

2 days passed...and I was ale to hold my Cole for the first time:) he was soft..and so small...never cried( he makes up for that one ) lets just say he was DA shit....and how I can't wait for another moment like that again...well I could but you get the idea right? hahahaha

anyways that’s my boy..little Cole bryson hynes..with a mother who loves him to death..and a wonderful family behind him
love ya little man
mommy

I want to write something. my fingers are itching to write something...........but the thing is my brain has not decided what just yet........... Do I want to talk about last night................ no not really................ do I want to talk about awkward phone call at 5:30 am on Friday morning.... no not really............ do I want to talk about the drama.. fuck no............. maybe I want to write about all the great decisions I have made lately................. but I haven't decided on anything................ do I want to say horrible things about my brother because I am working for him........... no not really cause I love him (I know that irritates him more than anything bad I could say about him).

So here I sit.............in idle project............. because my night is going to be stressful........... I am pulling the weight for my team tonight........... since none of us usually work on Saturdays..............and the ones that do are newbies, so I am expected to fix someone's 23 min AHT by having a 6 min AHT should be interesting............. so here I sit blogging at 7 pm waiting for lunch to hit at 7:30 so I can go pick up my car.................... I HATE drinking and driving.....matter of fact I DESPISE drinking and driving......... I will not be a part of it........... That tale will be told next month.........

Some of my friends have been re-evaluating their lives, all over the place, friends moving, going to school, changing jobs, changing relationships, changing personalities.................. and I feel so lucky that I know who I am and where I am going..... maybe I am too comfortable with myself........... I know when my bad days are coming so I avoid certain people...... I know when I am going to drink to much and get emotional so I hide......... I know when I am going to drink and excessive amount of alcohol to make a statement that terrifies me to admit sober...........

One of my friends is the most unique person you will ever meet..... she is a sweetheart and from her appearance you would think she was terribly out-going, and tough........... but she isn't; she is shy, timid and very soft................ especially when it comes to boys............. I am very blunt, honest and I speak my mind alot I am not usually afraid to speak my mind............. except when it comes to boys.............. that why I make friends.....then date..........then there might be a possibility of a relationship, but nothing is ever set in stone, (since I am afraid of commitment, to an extent(okay that was a lie, i am totally afraid of getting into a serious relationship and settling down and falling in love, having a hundred kids and owning a house, i enjoy my freedom) yet I always manage to find relationships when i just want friends)) Now back to my friend.............. I never realized how alike we were till the last week, when I made a startling discovery......... and become a nervous, timid freak............ I was second guessing myself............ then a phone call really knocked everything out of whack............ and another phone call made my life. well slightly complicated......... and then festivities and social engagements made me realize....................... I like a boy! I say it like I am twelve cause I kinda sort of feel that way right now............ I am timid and shy about it. I will shut up now..... we shall see what turns the path ahead has...................... I have a tendency to step off the path and lay in the bushes when I get like this.............................. hehehehe............. btw brownie points for not being weird today...much appreciated!

lets see if i can make this short
i had a blast last night...i got really drunk...danced up a storm and that is something i LOVE to do can't wait till i make it on EC..i'll put in a good word for ya cory...
so yeah..i was at a party with my red head friend:P and i knew the people there but yet i didn't..plus the lady who fired me was there..but thats ok cause we had our talk....so i decide to take over the computer room....i kicked off some really drunk guy who ened up falling into the wall trying to make it out the door....i think i made him nervous cause he kept rubbin his face and tellin me stories i didn't want to hear..but hey thats ok
so it's me all by my self on the puter....chatin away to all my best buds on messenger...still not drunk at that point..but i wish i had been and slowly people joined me...some bald guy took over my key bored and started typing crazy shit...lol...i love it..he was so cool...
anyways as soon as i got up from my chair..that was it i was drunk...the hole time i was there i sat in that one chair and drank....
anyways to the gilwood we go
i had to not drink for a bit..cause i knew if i did that would have been the end of me...so i danced till i felt good and got me a drink..danced danced and danced...i have to say cory you so can dance...jamie i love that thing you do and we are doing it tonight.....girl in the red shirt...SO DRUNK but it made ya fun......wendy( lady who fired me) you can grind like the young ones...tony...hands off the ass...lol
anyways whatever...hate takin up jamies space
you all know my night anyways...
loves ya
ALL OF YAs and see ya tonight.....party party party

I had so much to say this week of reflection having come to an end, a party tonight some things were said while i was "drunk"(well not drunk but drinking) but we will pretend i was "drunk" to save face lol. I was going to talk about things that were said and how that makes me feel because i have had more to drink and thought that would be a good idea (which means it isn't). By the way for those of you unsure the lol's are me laughing not an indication for you to laugh i don't really care if any of "you" find this at all amusing cause it amuses me! Anyway i decided to use my better judgement and let things blow over and see how things go when the smoke clears (which i have decided once and for all to quit even though my benefits don't cover the patch grrr) and the alcohol has emptied from my system, and well.... lalalala

I just wanted to let everyone know that my last entry was not a pity-whore entry! Though to those of you that I gave Goosebumps that's very cool that something I experienced and wrote about could have that effect on you... and for those with similar experiences, well I am glad it gave you an opportunity to talk about it and maybe find your own closure. It was something I needed to do for my own personal healing, the time has come for me to get back to being "normal" LOL whatever that means............ hehehehe the day I am "normal" is the day the world ends.

I have been drinking, and was quite impressed with my consumption this evening, (Hey Aileen I think I set a new record for most amount of beer and I have cut down since I stopped working in the bar with you.... it is going to be weird with you gone too..... what are we to do, we should just get rooms over the bar and open our "house of horrors") ..... Anyway.... So I am not going to ramble on too much with this nonsense.... Intriguingly enough (lol 4 u) I need to contemplate things..... I wonder if my timing was poor or if I worded things properly. Prob not but oh well that's where blunt and honest gets you.............

Things always work out well in the end, (or so a not so wise friend told me (just kidding I love you babe) the other day)... hehehe I just did a thinger in a thinger and really must shut up now... it is 6:31 am and I am not allowed to be awake during morning hours it is against the rules of the show! Nite all....... or good morning depending on what kind of freak YOU are.... hehehe... what should i dream about today.... damn i forgot my book at kel's i will never sleep and no one else is on messenger to entertain me... i'll have to think of some elaborate story to put me to sleep..... damn it is 6:33 and i am still typing... btw i went for a walk on dominion beach boardwalk tonite (well this morning... again freaks!) and had a lovely chat with my dear friend, Tracey and for those of you who love to mock me.... I was scared to death by two "love-birds" necking on the benches...tracey had seen them and said hello ( but i thought it was a part of the story she was telling) and i never noticed till one of them said hello back and i screamed like a little girl and almost jumped into tracey's arms like Scooby-doo........... hehehe i am a dumbass..... I do NOT want to work tonight...... SEAN YOU OWE ME BIG TIME, I BETTER START HEARING YOU TELL EVERYONE WHAT A GREAT SISTER YOU HAVE AND HOW I AM YOUR FAVORITE SISTER (i may be your only sister but still!)...... anythign going on next thursday cause he has thursday off i could have a long weekend, and if it wasn't for plans on sat i might head to hali.... then again i could duck out of plans on sat nite if anyone wants to go to hali? or the next weekend anyone up for a hali trip.. megs.... i may invade your place sooner than expected.... hrmm, though i am going to nb in october.... thanksgiving at grandma's oh i think i may cry thinking about it.... i am going to try and let my birthday blow by without anyone noticing ( but maybe i shouldn't write that here...dammit i already did... and i said i wasn't going to delete anything i wrote...shit!) i will just leave town and stay my age forever....muuuuhahahaha! okay 6:45 am, talking to ej...then going to sleep gotta love the 3 hour time difference..... if things don't change quickly tomorrow's blog may be titled "why i hate being female" and all men may want to refrian from reading it..... strictly for sanity purposes..... maybe i should become a headcase then i would understand everyone much better.. though blunt and honest seems to be working... and i need more midol! Steve everytime you have a party my bitchy aunt flo comes to visit...... hrmmmm, now maybe just maybe...... no nevermind...though if it worked i would be the happiest girl on the planet....hrmmmmmmmmmm....... no your parties are just to much fun for me to kill you so another one would never happen lol........ though it is ALMOST worth it.... too bad you are intriguing... damn you! okay now it is 7 am and i have read blogs commented and chatted and actually managed to make less typos tahn normal. Maybe i will be like cory and only blog after drinking............ anyway..... issues!

September 11th, 1999, I had graduated from high school in June, my hobbies were: running, swimming, walking, biking, skating, skiing, I had just signed up to learn how to snow-board and take some kick-boxing classes. I was living with my best friend in Regina and things were not going well she was on a Jesus kick and I was on a freedom kick............. It was less than a month from my 18th birthday and I had just finished my nite of work at 7 am. I worked nights at the Royal bank processing student loans in Regina's north-end, I caught a ride to the bus station from girl from work who had just moved to Saskatchewan from Nova Scotia, my birthplace. I got on the bus, settled down in my seat put my headphones and was preparing to catch some sleep when a drunk native hopped on the bus (which was practically empty) and sat down right next to me and proceeded to talk to me the entire way to Whitewood. He bummed cigarettes off me and told me his sorry story about having to get to Winnipeg to see his brother who was helping him go through re-hab but he only had enough money to go to Portage Le Prairie (for those of you unfamiliar with the prairies that is about an hour from Winnipeg). So I being the retard I am gave him cigarettes and money to finish off his trip. My brother picked me up at the gas station in Whitewood where my bus came in to drive me to the shit-ass town my parents lived in, that was so small the bus didn't even go there. My cousin Trinity was coming for a visit and my mom had just gotten out of the hospital after having passed kidney stones (which is supposed to be a tremendously painful experience). Here I was going home to take care of my mom, my brother Sean had stayed home with my mother to help her do laundry (because even in her condition my mom cannot sit still and do nothing; especially when specifically told to do so!) My brother Dan had picked me up in my family's minivans, my father was away working for CN with our jeep. I had offered to drive (even though I had not slept and shouldn't really be driving, he had not had his license long and we both love driving. He said no and so I hopped in shotgun and away we were. Now in Saskatchewan the roads are mostly gravel (the hicks) so the quickest way back to our town (a half hour away) was by a gravel road. We had a really great chat and things were going well, I was sitting upright with my seat-belt on properly (unusual for me because I hated the seat-belt rubbing on my neck), he also had his on, (unusual for him cause he never wore his seat-belt when mom or dad weren't around). We had a great chat about life, my job, his school, our crazy friends, and the shit-ass town he lived in (and I had just moved away from). We were about a kilometer away from town, we could see it, and we hit loose gravel (which again for those of you unfamiliar with all this: it is like hitting black ice) no sign warning us, we were doing about 90 km/h when we noticed it up ahead and proceeded to slow to around 70 ish. Now my brother being a new driver, us both panicking................... well to be perfectly honest.........ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We slide to the right, then left, then hit the ditch on the right hand side of the road, now thank god for Sask and the flatness in wasn't a deep ditch, we apparently rolled three times according to the piles of glass found afterward, I remember one flip, we rolled on our side, hitting my side first (which I think is why I got so banged up).


So I wake up and I am laying flat on my back thinking what the FUCK just happened? Why am I laying on my back, (turns out we broke the seats off) why can I feel the breeze on my face, and why is there glass on me? HOLY FUCK WHERE'S DAN? I rolled over to see my brother Dan not moving, not making a sound, not breathing............ the most terrifying moment of my life, I am his big sister his protector and my brother is hurt what the fuck am I supposed to do, stay calm Jamie stay calm, you are not supposed to shake him, you are not supposed to move him, you can't freak out, don't cry, stay CALM! what should I do? Wait I know I'll pinch him, so I did................."FUCK OFF" the most beautiful words I ever heard in my whole entire life were uttered on September 11th, 1999 at 10:32 am (you may ask how I know the time? well I looked at two things when we started to loose control, the speed and the time do not ask why but I can remember that clear as a bell.....) MY BROTHER WAS ALIVE HE WAS GOING TO BE OKAY! I hoped, but he was coughing up blood, that can't be good and he was cursing like a sailor...not unusual............. Next thing I know a guy is standing next to my window, I can't see him ( I am bind as a bat without my glasses, and had lost them somewhere but me being an idiot thought it was cause I had hit my head). He puts a plaid jacket over me and asks if I am okay, hell I have NEVER been better; I was in SHOCK! I freak and tell him to look after my brother, next thing I know a car is spinning off, and a guy is standing over me........it's George, my best friend and roommate's father, I was like George!, apparently he looked at me then my brother and back at me again, then again at my brother thinking he looks familiar ( I must have been fucked up cause this man was like a second father to me for months!)

I wouldn't let anyone touch me at the accident, I wanted them to look after my brother, and they did! cause he had a collapsed lung which the could tell from the air bubbles in the blood he was coughing up, the cops were there to and my brother kept telling them to fuck off and leave him alone cause he was home in bed LOL my crazy brother doesn't remember any of our accident or most of that day which is kinda funny cause I could say that he was singing Britney Spears song to the paramedics and he couldn't say different (funny how I am laughing about this four years later but at the time I was out of my head with fear that my brother was going to die) I stayed calm enough to tell the cops: my address, my parents names, their phone number, and pleaded with them to call my mom (funny how a week before I was big and tough and on my own and yet when I needed her I was calling for my mommy)

Next thing I know I am looking at the roof of our van moving overhead......they couldn't open any of the doors they had to take us out through the back using the jaws of life (my aren't we special lol) Then we are at the hospital and Larry (a close family friend who is a pretty big guy who drives a nice motorcycle) is gently wiping off my blue nail polish. Then the moment of truth I see my mom and for the first time I remember that day I start to cry and complain of pain ("Mommy my tummy hurts") guess how the doctors knew Jamie had internal injuries? Sure enough he pushes on my stomach and blood comes out in the catheter bag. Then my dad comes and we have a moment (my dad and I are big softies, we cry alot but shhh don't tell him I told you.) Now my brother and I both have to be rushed to Regina General hospital....yea....... now my doctor (god love him) hops in the ambulance with us even though he didn't have to and comes with us to the hospital, I woke up somewhere along the way and sat up (very bad thing to do with internal injuries) and looked around for my brother the doctor came over and freaked. I seen my brother sleeping peacefully on the floor on a stretcher and calmly lay back down and proceed to fall asleep. I vaguely remember the lights of the hospital ceiling flashing by and bam I am in the operating room, my clothes are being cut off me (whatever hadn't been earlier???) but when they get to my beloved purple bra, and don't ask me what the fuck I was thinking but I would NOT let them cut the damn thing off me I sat up and help them take it off, but I do believe I had an IV in because the did end up cutting the strap............(but I safety pinned it later). Then out like a light again and I woke up in my hospital room with my cousin Trinity, her friend Chris, Larry, Betty (Larry's wife), my friend Joy-Anne, my boyfriend Robin, my Mom and my Dad all standing around my bed............oh my god I am dying..........oh my god where the fuck is Dan? and why is the room so foggy and why is my body fuzzy? (now for those of you that don't know anything about my past I had never done any drugs ever in my life, Tylenol 2 when I had my wisdom teeth out when I was 12 was the "hardest" drug I had done) so here I am waking up on morphine and who the fuck knows what else in my system, and everyone looks soooooooooooo serious....first I was told Dan was fine but in another room.............they begin to explain what the doctors had done............something about screws in my legs and having two black eyes...........well I being the insane person I am on drugs for the first time cracked two jokes, one about them trying to crucify me (screws in my ankles) and another after about my boyfriend beating me (he almost shit his pants standing next two four of the biggest scariest people in the hospital who were all terribly concerned about my well-being hahaha fucker shouldn't have lied to me heehaw but anyway back to my tale).


I entertained for a few moments.......it's all foggy and fell asleep.............the fucken hospital had some dumb rule about boys and girls sharing rooms so my brother had to stay across the hall from me (even though the girl in the bed next to me fucked her boyfriend on numerous occasions, thank god I was stoned and asleep but friends had witnessed it, those curtains are not that thick) so for however many fucken days I was convinced he was dead and no one would tell me, my dad would be in with him, and my mom with me and then they'd switch............ So the day he walked into my room and poor little Sean was there I lost it, I cried and cried and cried I knew my family was safe and life was good.............

So there I was stoned for the first time in my life, with a cast (plaster cause of course it was a Saturday and late at night so I had to wait fro my kewl purple cast till the monday) a long knee brace, tubes in my knee, my nose, my throat, my stomach, two IV's in my hand, and well a catheter (I hate those fucking things!) I had 22 centimeters of my small intestine removed and had staples in my stomach from above my belly button to my bikini line............anyway...............for those of you who love to "cheer" people up in the hospital as the saying goes laughter is the best medicine.....well in my case it hurt to cough, sneeze and ohhh laughter was immensely painful.....I made a poor guy who came to visit me stop telling me a story cause I thought I might cry it hurt so much and I was on some pretty crazy shit!

My brother had a broken elbow, thumb, and had a chest tube (which he says hurts like a motherfucker). He went home after less than a week with my dad. My mom stayed with me and my beloved grandmother flew out from New Brunswick to see me............they stayed with me to entertain me........ cause I still couldn't see, and the hospital has a great collection of films which I could only hear and if I squinted a bit I could make out shapes lol......... my boyfriend at the time swears that we watched The mask of Zorro, but I don't remember.

My roommate came to visit me with our lease agreement, and showed me my face ( I was fucked out of my head) My mother almost strangled her to death, cause I wigged out with my literal black eyes, oh and she brought in some cute boys we were friends with...................... and my bag of pee was hanging on the side of the bed, I hadn't bathed since the day before my accident, and my face was five different shades of black, blue purple, green, and red . I was a beautiful multi-colored mess! My boyfriend at the time told me that he loved me and I thought I was having a nightmare (hehehe).

After I had all the tubes removed and went through one of the most terrifying things ever: learning how to walk up a set of stairs with not one but TWO broken legs! It was a great accomplishment.... Here I was 17 years old learning how to walk again, having my mother bath me (humiliating moment) having everyone get excited when I had my first bowel movement (another embarrassing experience). I was sent home, to my parents place, here I was the most stubborn little girl ( I had lost 25 pounds in the hospital after not eating for two weeks), I was one of those people who could do anything anyone else can, I was a strong competent female ready to take on the world before this had happen. Now I had to depend on everyone, to take a bath, go to the bathroom, walk, eat, it was a BIG change! My doctor even made a house call, unheard of these days.

Here I was the girl whose biggest fears was being helpless! left completely helpless! I couldn't defend myself in any way shape or form, I could lay still. My brother's friend a month after the whole ordeal (my parents had purchased a new minivan) said I should be glad I broke both my legs because the new van had a cd player, and NO ONE would give me my damn crutches to beat him with.

After three years of being in and out of re-hab, having at least two surgeries a year and spending more time in waiting rooms than most old people do in church, last June I had my very last hospital stay and I am so glad it is over. Now I just need to figure out how in the hell I am going to get back into shape again, and maybe take my kickboxing lessons. I actually went for a short run full speed on the beach and felt free again.

Today i am writing my blog for thursday and i just had to write a quick thinger to hold me over and you also have kelly's post to read in the mean-time. The second week of september is always a reflection of my life for me, I start getting excited about my upcoming birthday, and remembering past events and what i have seen this week over the last four years...but all will be explained when i write thursday blog, if i can figure out how to word it, and what the hell i really want to say and maybe by writing it i really can find the closure it is not so much the events themselves but the recovery period afterward and how it changed me. I wasn't always a self-absorbed bitch..... i used to do everythign to please everyone else........ and stil find myself doing that soemtimes. anyway rambnling shutting up and this is it...........

Wen your heart and mind don't know what to do.
When your thoughts are jumping.
When the looks you get..don't add up to the words being said.
When your told everything will be ok, and something bad happens.
When you have great friends and yor sitting at home alone.
When you have 50 phone numbers and no one to call.
When one day you meet the greatest person and the next week they don't answer your calls.
When someone says " i love you " and when you wake up they are gone
When someone gives you a hug..and hits you the next minute
When someone gives you a gift, and takes it back
When you a dream, wake up, turn go back to sleep and have a nightmare.
When one night you drink too much and don't get drunk.
When one night you have a few and can't make it to the bathroom.
When you read a book for the first time, it is different from the second time.
When someone buys you a book.
When a guy tells a girl he doesn't want to have sex.
When a friend turns their back on you.
Whne a rock song makes you sad and a slow one makes you happy.
When you can tell someone had been in your house, and nothing has been moved.
When your dryer was on when you went to bed, and when you wake up everyting is on the floor.
When you find a tack on the floor but everyting is still hung up.
When your best friends are guys, and you relize all girls are nuts.
When you reloze your not so much different.
When you live in a town you hate so much.
When you look at a guy and think he would make a great girl.
When the one thing you want so much you can't have.
When someone tells you it looks good on you but really doesn't.
When rain falls and you lose your train of thought.
When your foot moves to a bad song.
When you know whats next in the game..and have never played it before.
When your so tired and just can't sleep.
When you get nothing you wanted on your birthday.
When eyes from a picture follow you around.
Whenwhen you have a conversation, and relize you drempt it years before.
When a cd gets scratched and you have not touched it.
When you are too tired to go to bed..but you will get up, get a drink, and go back to the coutch.
When fruit cocktail really doesn't have that many different kinds of fruit.
When you can't stop looking at an object.
When guys are falling out of the sky and they all back off.
THATS TOTAL CONFUSION

Did you ever have one of the days where you question every choice you have ever made, from you hair color to your living arrangements, your job, to small purchases. You wonder about exes and family, your co-workers, your friends................. about people who walk in and out of your life, I have had more than my fair share of people walk in and out of my life in the last five years. Having lived in three of Canada's province's and spent a summer in another........... Many of these people were simply acquaintances some were friends that I had for a long time and still talk to just not as much as I would have liked. You know it is a "joke" how my life is called the Jamie show (started by my father because of how self-absorbed I am and how I am a little controlling) but I do have guests, and a "crew", I have two great "producers" I am the director, star and the namesake of the show............... sometimes the show picks ups and moves and some of the crew travels with me and my many journeys. This is just a shout out to everyone to let you know I am glad you are part of my life or if you were I am happy for the time we spent together............ I am feeling reminiscy tonight............. I don't want to rant to much about all my great friends or it will sound like a drunk "I loooove you guys" speech!

How can you be great friends with someone, hang out every single day, and then call them a few months after you move away and have trouble discussing the weather, yet other friends you can call and cry about how your heart was just broken, even if you haven't spoken in months apparently i am not aloud to write shit like that cause some people (you're so vain you probably think this song is about you don't you? don't you?) get upset and freak on my brother and my friends when i write shit!, . Does anyone else have friends that they could call at their weakest moment and KNOW that they would fly across the country to be by your side? Friends who you can turn to and whine about something stupid and they are dealing with HUGE issues and still turn around and ask you how you are doing and you know their whole world is falling apart. Yet they really care!

I am ranting and raving and I am shutting up now............ take care of yourselves and your friends! (I am JERRY SPRINGER and that was my final thought hehehehe)

I am a sleep whore and will prob sleep all day! It will be WONDERFUL! I'm excited, Are you excited, cause I'm excited!

Does anyone else have a monologue running in their head constantly, narrating your life? With all the lovely tones, and inflections in it's voice, and sometimes it is louder than others: like sitting quietly in church and wondering with all your might what would happen if you stood up in the middle of everyone and screamed till you passed out? (the only thing holding you back is your a: mother b: grandmother ). Or the urge to jump when standing on a balcony (not that you are feeling suicidal) but you imagine the free feeling of just falling. The voice that during sex makes you think if I tell this guy to move just a smidge to the right will he be offended? The same voice asking you was this guy really worth the next month of wondering if he knocked you up, or gave you "something" or will tell someone all the inappropriate details? This voice makes you want to cry when you are drunk, thinking of all your drinking buddies elsewhere's, or the one's "no longer with us". It makes you remember some of the best/worst moments on your life when you are driving around and a certain song comes on or you pass by a familiar place. This voice sometimes haunts my dreams and interrupts my concentration, it makes me want to scream, cry and laugh (sometimes all three at the same time).

This voice sometimes makes me wonder what is behind me on a dark path, or in the shadows in the closet, though this voice also kept me calm when I found out one night in my room that sometimes the shadows in the closet are NOT just shadows, and again when I had many more of those experiences. It kept my mouth shut when I desperately wanted to call my mother a bitch and tell her exactly how much I hated her when I was a bratty teenager. That voice reassured me lying in a ditch with my brother not breathing next to me, it kept calm enough to tell the police how to contact my mother. When I was flat on my back numerous times either in the hospital or rehab that voice kept me busy with wild (sometimes drug-induced) thoughts. When I doubted myself about trips or moving, or thought that I was too fat and ugly, it explained to me that I had the strength and "balls" to do whatever I wanted because my parents gave me everything I needed to do anything. That voice has kept me alive and sane through some of the most heart-wrenching and grueling periods of my life.

Some of you may think I am schizo (LOL) and I am not the least bit concerned about what you think (or what that silly doctor said LOL) but I think we all need that little voice, maybe it's my conscience, maybe it's my morals, maybe intuition, or I am schizophrenic, or I am haunted, maybe it's my crazy mind.

I lost my train of thought, damn customers that my voice is telling me to hang up on but my brain is saying we are still in QUEUE and to wait till he is fixed so I don't have to stay here any longer.

This was the exact words words my sweet innocent friend Tracey used to describe the dryness of something last night, a night where I laughed so much I thought I would pee my pants. Some other interesting remarks made:

- "she fed the hamster so much the it fell over and went into convulsions..............and died"
- "You are saved, motherfucka!"
- "Do not drink" (on a bottle of perfume)
- "I could stick it to my leg" (the bottle of perfume)
- something about which is drier a popcorn fart or a nun's cunt on a Sunday?
- something about "five stars"
- a lot of talk about wanting to get drunk (amazingly we weren't)
- a bit of talk about men and how some of us are more blessed in that department than other.
- a lot of talk about Shane and his "sore foot"
- a brief conversation about "gout" wtf is gout?
- again the story about how Shane had hurt his foot
- and of course how Tracey kicked his sore foot at the hospital
- rectal thermometers!
- we discussed events that we COULD remember from the last week
- the reason we could NOT remember the rest of the events from he last week

Shane was such an easy target last night he got tendonitis in his foot so he could not get around very much he was glued to the couch so we were all tempted to parade girls past him to his bedroom, put on gay porn and poke him with sticks! Poor Shane LOL................

Friday night was an adventure all in itself, Kelly and I ended up staying in and entertaining some rather bizarre males, and drinking every ounce of alcohol we could find, I ended up making Kraft Dinner at 9 am still pleasantly drunk............ then watching Passenger 57 with Wesley snipes till Kelly got up I stole her bed and crashed out for maybe an hour and a half to poor kel called me to pick her up at our lovely place of employment. Unfortunately for Kel it was now her former place of employment! The Bastards! oh well so we headed off to the beach for the afternoon and it turned out to be a rather interesting day and I was quite functionally considering the lack of sleep and the amount of alcohol I had consumed the previous night! No hangovers no tears and best of all lots of fun and excitement, the water was beautiful the sun was shining and we were all happy and healthy........ until Shane had to injure himself........... silly boy!

Anyway life is interesting.................. I don't have to work on Tuesday and I have to go to the dentist tomorrow, i need a filling should be well not too much fun to be honest lol!

I love my blog, nothing I say on here has any relevance to anything, and I am slightly embarrassed by my own words......... I really do not want anyone at all to read my crazy rants............. I thoroughly enjoy reading everyone else's, and love writing these crazy little things but the fact that YOU are insane enough to read this is mystifying to me. BUT I LOVE the comments, I love people saying anything in my comments even Cory's "cheesy" comments..... The nasty one's are tolerable (I can always erase them hehehehe)


Anyway everyone seems quite reminiscy lately my high school days were hellish and great all at the same time for their own reasons. My friends all know exactly what I think of them and if they don't well come see me and I will tell you exactly what I think of you (LOL) and if you are not my friend and we recently had a tiff well you should know exactly what I think of you too! Muuuuuuuhahahahahaha!

The weekend is upon us and I'm sooooo excited and I just can't fight it, and I think I like it! Lots of fun things in store, of that I'm sure (and this rhyming stuff is getting old fast.)


Alrighty folks take care thanks for reading please comment that is the funnest part of writing this nutty thing. You know I prob shouldn't write this at work I loose my train of thought way to easily and end up saying the weirdest things (wait I'm always like this).

It is my favorite time of year..................FALL..... so many exciting things, leaves changing, you can wear a sweater but not yet a jacket......... jeans are essential, the air is so much more alive, the sun seems to shine just a little brighter, my birthday, almost all of my friends birthdays, my brother's birthday, HALLOWEEN (I LOVE HALLOWEEN)! You can go for a nice walk in the woods, the ocean has soaked up enough heat that the temperature is fairly warm during the day but cools off nicely during the night. It is a magically time of year that has always been filled with so much excitement for me. It was when school started, thanksgiving (I love family gatherings and my mom is an AMAZING cook). Oh I am SOOOOOOOOOO excited, plus I get to start my Christmas shopping (which is one of the greatest things about Christmas). I love birthdays especially with our new tradition of dressing up and going out for dinner!

I was also quite excited because one of my BESTEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD was supposed to be coming down to visit me for my birthday (since I had traveled ALL THE WAY OUT THERE for her's in JUNE). to my great disappointment, alas she has decided to move and cannot afford the journey........ I guess that just means I will have to come back out there and visit you crazy fools again......... or you will just HAVE to come to my Jan/Feb destination with me...btw has anyone decided where in the hell we are going? Please make sure it's an all-inclusive!

Oh and Kelly you are too superterrifious person and don't worry about the silly little place we work in you go to school and learn all kinds of fascinating things babe............... You are going to be a magnificent writer and need to put more time and effort into that....and you will get to spend more time with your precious gift..........he is a gem!

I talked to a guy with a SUPER-HOT accent...............i will have lovely dreams about him tonite (one of the up-sides of my job sometimes you get to talk to some people kewl people).

What's wrong with being a self-absorbed bitch? What's wrong with being fat? What's wrong with having not a care in the world about money? What's wrong with not having to justify yourself to a person who pissed you off? What's wrong with BRIGHT RED HAIR? What's wrong with a little (or alot) of cleavage? What's wrong with a high AHT? What's wrong with being sad once in a while without having to explain to everyone that it has NOTHING to do with them? What's wrong with wanting to live here forever? What's wrong with wanting to move again? What's wrong with being single? What's wrong with not wanting to be sometimes.....and loving it at others? What's wrong with having friends who don't like each other but hanging out with both of them anyway? What's wrong with enjoying the fact that you can shop at the greatest store on earth and secretly loving that most of your friends are too thin too (hehehehe)? What's wrong with wanting to buy a new car but loving my baby (my first car that I want to drive till it can't go anymore)? What's wrong with loving your friends and thinking they are all the greatest people on earth even if they don't see it?

That's right it's the morning and i am going to bed yet again........i had so much stuff i was going to write, i thought about it the whole way to the bridge, a long drive home at 4:30 am then i got here started checking email, deleting programs, reading other people blogs (getting pissy come some of them have NOT been blogging in a WHILE) and I got away from the idea of spilling my guts..........

Anyway you crazy nuts that read this........do you realise i wrote four entries in under 24 hours......impressed am I and btw check out steves site >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

He made some pretty darn kewl changes......................

and because i haven't used it in a while and miss it:


Fuckity FUCK fuck FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i really enjoy that word way too much and i think it is cute how my other friends all censor theirs with little symbols and i am all over the word............... it is just a word though...................... and I have been in heat for the last two weeks straight i think that is why i have been wanting to move................. I haven't found any good "dates" (awwww wtf........."fuck friends") around here.................... the last guy just didn't cut it he was such a prude (but an all around "nice guy") till.................. well you know and if ya don't who really cares.......... cause i didn't which is kinda sad......... cause it really should have............... i was just like eihhhhh shit happens............ and am glad it didn't go any further cause that is a pretty scummy thing to do and i shouldn't be talkign about this on my blog; again editing is nessaracy and i have to learn that trick on crossing words out (STEVE!)

BTW Tracey I love you babe and I miss hanging out with you but am scared to call you.............. i don't want to bother you so if you are reading this call me................ we'll do "lunch" hehehe (don't i sound all prissy)........speaking of which i need to change my message on my cell again

and i just realised something totally bizarre...............................


you guys enjoy your day i wil be sleeping in my lovely dark basement...........if anyone has anything fun they want to do today (it being monday) call me i am geting paid to sleep all day..............today i love my job..............

I am in the mood to write, i really have absolutely nothing to say but i feel like writing anyway........ i am going to try and put my entry in my friday, I wrote it in my journal while sitting on the beach watching my brother and Kelly play in the waves crashing on the shore, it was a great day even though i was a little pissy about the two of them waking me up (even though the hot guy with no shirt was a great touch).

I just had a lovely chat with Steve and am going out to the beach tonight with the superficaious KELLY!............... I need to relax................